before baby

while my mom was still here she graciously offered to watch baby b while AWD and i had a few last dates. like to dinner and a movie for our anniversary. or to costco. every time we came home we just sat in the car for a few minutes thinking about how, in the good old days, we would have just walked into the house and done whatever we wanted. like go to bed and sleep in. but now when we walked into the house there was a baby and that baby needed a lot of time and attention and not a lot of consecutive sleep.

more on this later, but those first days and weeks (ok, a month at least) after you bring a new baby home are hard. like, majorly hard.

luckily, even though i was tired and increasingly swollen and huge and even though humid summer in d.c. is not the greatest for pregnant ladies or anyone else, we did manage to squeeze in some decent pre-baby fun which i will recount here. for posterity.

fourth of july barbecue at willards (still not as good as austin, tx barbecue, but good) and patriotic desserts.

a kennedy center date with dinner on the roof and the world's greatest performance of anything goes.

a movie theater with reclining seats! (this was actually a date with EH while AWD was out of town. still counts.)

truckeroo.

a nats game.

a soccer game.

and a blue crabs game.

and then, almost just as summer ended, so did our pre-baby life. at least we went out with a bang.

a year in review

as i have reflected on 2012 over the past few days and weeks, i've been trying hard not to let the couple of completely terrible things that happened define the whole year. because, though some of the worst things that have ever happened to me happened to me this year, on the whole it was actually pretty great.

the highlight was, of course, my first wedding anniversary. if you hate mushy love stuff, i recommend you skip ahead, as i'd like to take a moment to say how incredibly thankful i am to be married to AWD. when i think about the people i thought i might like to marry, before AWD came along that is, i am astounded by my own naivete and short-sightedness. this is not to say that every day is a rosy cakewalk-- this is life we are talking about after all-- but being married to AWD has made me feel safe and empowered in a way i never imagined. i just didn't know there was a person who could make me feel so comfortable and unashamed to be no one but myself, and now i can't even imagine what my life would have been like if i'd ended up with anyone else. i am so grateful that a loving heavenly father blesses us with what we want, paired with what we need.

other highlights from the year include:

a trip south with d

a little movie magic 
some (work-related) love from the white house
good friends. old friends. ice cream.

warrior games!
good eats and good cousins in austin

new york with the mama bear

family reunion (and cotton candy)

china! china! china! china! china!
four more years
playoff baseball (even for losers)

some (christmas-related) love from the white house

the killers (even AWD liked it!)  

and, maybe the biggest highlight of all: perspective. to have learned this lesson, that good things and rich blessings are just as inevitable as bad things and hard trials, and to know that even the worst things i can imagine are things i can endure, and then endure well, just that alone would have made 2012 a pretty great year.

have i done any good?

it's been hard to think about anything but sad, bad news since the connecticut shooting on friday. and i add my thoughts and prayers to all those already offered on behalf of those poor families. the mind boggles, really.

but, in the face of sad, bad things, good things happen, too. i stumbled upon this list of 26 moments from the past year that restored faith in humanity and it was such a pleasure to scroll through and see big and small and simple goodness all around. it's possible that i might have teared up at my desk at work reading about all this kindness, but i am not going to confirm or deny that.

i will confirm that my favorite of all the awesome things to choose from was the story of caine, and the cardboard arcade he built in his dad's used auto parts store in east l.a. i defy anyone to watch this video and not feel like there are still people in the world looking out for each other. especially the little guys. (i can't get the video to embed so you'll have to click on the link. but trust me, you won't be sorry.)

there. i feel a little bit better. how about you? 

the twelve dates of christmas: date six (with a bonus lesson on the true spirit of the holidays!)

i think we all remember the foul mood i was in on friday. it was bad. and i decided i needed to snap myself out of it, if i could, as fast as i could.

there is a principle mormons are fond of espousing, that principle being that when you are focused on yourself and your own problems, you should serve someone else. and that by the act of coming outside of yourself, your own problems seems less serious or, at the best, somehow work themselves out. i have always been skeptical of this principle, mainly because i think sometimes the solution to our problems really is for other people to serve us when we need it, but i decided to put it to the test on friday.

and now, for some back story. every saturday AWD and i have "cleaning day," wherein we clean our house. vacuum, mop, clean the bathroom, do laundry. you know, cleaning day. AWD hates cleaning day. and he especially hates it when we have to do some or all of our cleaning on friday night because there won't be any time to do it on saturday. this weekend threatened to be a friday night cleaning day weekend, and he had already been lamenting that fact.

it was perfect really. i left work a few minutes early, stopped at the grocery and did all our shopping (something else AWD doesn't really like) and then went home and cleaned the whole house before he got home from work. and it felt so good! partly because i have found that an aggressive session of vacuuming or scrubbing gunk out of the caulk in the shower can be a cathartic release of rage and bad feelings. but mostly because AWD was so, so happy when he came home. doing that for him made me feel better than i had in days.

plus, the house was clean. which also makes me really happy.

to celebrate, AWD took me out to dinner at one of our favorite places, where i got one of my favorite sushi rolls and enjoyed a night out with my favorite guy.

in this case, at least, it turned out that forgetting about myself and serving someone else was just the right medicine. even better than watching a break-up video on repeat. imagine that.

just invite us to your parties and we'll work it out

it was rainy and gray when i woke up this morning, which did nothing to help the bad mood that's been hanging over me since yesterday. i just feel blah and blerg and meh, meh, meh. which might explain why the thing that made me happiest today was this video about a couple breaking up because he wanted kids and she didn't.





don't misunderstand, i'm not happy that they're breaking up. it sounds awful. as they say themselves, "breaking up's a mess." they seem like really nice people who really like each other and i am sorry it didn't work out. really.

but something about the me of today really appreciated that they were so mature and straightforward about it and just put it out there for what it was. sometimes i think the best thing to do is recognize that a really crappy thing is happening without sugar-coating it or laying blame or trying to talk yourself into (or out of) something that you don't want or believe.

s-word happens, you know? and recognizing it and then moving on when we're ready is usually the best medicine. and a bow tie and a catchy tune help it go down a little easier.

so, i'll just say that today was yucky. a lot of yesterday was yucky. but tomorrow could very well be lovely and wonderful and i am going to do what i can to make it that way. sound like a deal?

oh, the humanity

this video has been making the rounds on blogs much more popular and widely read than mine, so you might have seen it already. but, i thought i'd post it anyway, just in case you missed it. or in case you wanted to watch it again. and again. and again.

which, on a day like yesterday when i had to get two fillings, is exactly what i did.

(i am going to try and embed the video, but i see it's been taken down from a lot of places because of a coca-cola copyright (lame) so if the embed below doesn't work, click the link above. you won't be sorry.)

the happenings

a lot of things fell through the cracks in the tragic summer of 2012, and i have slowly but surely been trying to reassemble the pieces and get back into a normal groove. i am always amazed (in a bad way) at how quickly good habits fall away, and how much work it is to get them back. but, i keep trying anyway.

so, here are a few of the things that are (getting) back on track.

1. piano. i was so sick and then so depressed (and then so in china) that i hadn't touched my keyboard in months. i've really enjoyed dusting it off (literally and figuratively). i feel like piano is one of the few things in life where i can match my effort to an outcome and see a result. that's really satisfying. i am learning christmas music right now, and i just might have a little living room rehearsal of some of the pieces i master. come, won't you? 

2. cooking. i wasn't sure how i was going to feel about "wifely" duties once i was married, given my aversion to traditional gender roles and all, but i actually really enjoy preparing meals for my little family. probably especially because AWD is always so grateful and says everything i make is delicious (it's not). and it's crock pot season again, which makes cooking even easier. last week we made mama bear's mushroom gravy, and we baked up an apple pie to boot.

3. adventuring. we have been having such gorgeous fall weather here, with soft, warm days, i hate the feeling of wasting them. sadly, there are always saturday chores and errands and tasks to be done, it seems, but we did manage a trip up to shenandoah national park, pre-hurricane sandy, to do some leaf peeping. it was lovely, as you can see for yourselves.

my next big goal is to get back on schedule with scripture reading and other matters of spirituality. it seems funny (not in a good way) that those are sometimes the first things to go just at the moment you need them most. but there you have it. i'll keep you posted. it's good to be back. 

cruel summer

the other day, when i was packing my suitcase for idaho and grandpa's funeral, AWD came into the room and asked how i was doing and i just started to cry and blurted out, "this has been the worst summer ever!"

and, to be honest, it kind of has been. i've been looking forward to putting it all in my rearview mirror. and a trip to china seems like a perfect way to start!

and so, we're off.

to here.

and here.

and here.

and here.

you can expect a full report when we get back.

so long til then!

bottom. up.

i am just going to cut to the chase and say that last week was absolutely, hands-down and positively the worst week of my entire life. and this is not a case of "bennett hyperbole," as AWD likes to call it. it really was just that rotten.

the week started out with unexpected and very bad news, it ended with loss and disappointment and in between there was a lot (a lot) of crying and and questioning and wondering.

but, in between there was also so much love and support and kindness and empathy from people we love who love us, too, and somehow we have come out on the other end and it looks like we're going to make it after all.

i have decided a couple things as a result of all this yuck.

1. the lord is in charge and he has a plan and i might as well just believe it even though i will probably never fully understand it. trying too hard to find reason and logic will just make me crazy; faith will bring comfort and peace.

2. one silver lining in the cloud of our worst fears coming to pass is that we learn we can triumph over our worst fears. that's not a bad thing to know.

3. sadness is sadness and loss is loss and it should be mourned for as long as it takes. certainly life must and does go on, but i feel totally fine about allowing myself to feel sad for as long as i want, and i am not going to apologize for that.

4. good things happen even in bad times. here are some of the things that have made me happy in the midst of feeling so very sad.

{flowers, flowers, flowers and flowers}

{ice cream, ice cream and ice cream}

{matinee movie dates}


{friday afternoon lunch and a shopping spree with EH}

{sunday morning feasts. bacon extraextra crispy}

{my sent-from-heaven husband who i wake up loving more every single day even though i can't imagine loving him more than i already do. how much easier it is to do hard things when i have him to do them with!}

and so we survive, and this week is already off to a much better start than the last one and i might even make it to bed tonight without having shed a single tear. but if i don't, that's OK, too.

superhuman. superstar. superhero.

i don't talk much about my job on this blog because that seems like both a boring and a bad idea. and, frankly, if i think too hard about all the servicemen and women coming back from combat with really serious, life-altering injuries, i get really depressed and then i get really mad and then i want to cry.

but, i am also 100 percent inspired by what these wounded warriors accomplish. we are talking about a double leg amputee who ran a 1500 meter race on prosthetic legs he had only had for six weeks. we are talking about service members with severe PTSD who get up every day and face their fears so they can go to work and take care of their families. we're talking about a blind swimmer who will compete in the paralympics exactly one year to the day that an IED explosion took his sight.

it blows my mind, and i feel really honored and humbled to meet these people and see what they can do with my own two (crying) eyes. i still wish it hadn't happened to them, but not a single wounded warrior i've met would give it back if they could, and it's certainly not slowing them down.

so, it's probably no surprise that this promo video for the paralympics made me cry. (embedding was disabled, so click on the link.)

i mean, come on. sure, not all these people were injured in military service, but this is the kind of resilience i am talking about.

it blows my mind. and, when i let it, it changes me, too.

one year.

today it is one year since briana died.

a few weeks ago, on good friday as a matter of fact, i missed her so badly and had so much sadness that i didn't even know where to put it, and so it came spilling out of my eyes in great big tears as i was driving home from work. thinking about her hurt that day.

but today i woke up and i felt so happy and peaceful and calm. it was raining, like it was on the day she died, and it felt just right somehow, cozy and familiar.

it was a year ago that holly called me and told me. something had happened. there was an accident. briana was gone. i heard her but i couldn't understand what it meant. all i knew was that i couldn't repeat the words, out loud or in my head, without breaking down to cry.

i felt alone and far away from so many people who knew and loved her-- and me-- the best. and so to make some sense of it all, to wrap my head around something that i could dissect and analyze, i became obsessed with the details. the roads were wet. the car swerved. but why? they weren't wearing their seatbelts. but why? how did the car roll? where did it land? i read every article, every blog, watched every news report, looked at every picture.

had she been afraid? had she suffered? i worried.

and i worried for myself, too. i have not had many chances in my life, thankfully, to learn the language of grief and loss. was i doing it right? mourning enough? too much? in the right way? i wanted briana to come to me somehow, maybe in a dream or just in a thought, and tell me i was doing OK, tell me that she remembered me, that she missed me as much as i miss her.

lately, though, i have felt that there's no reason for her to tell me something i already know and believe in my heart. of course she remembers me, the thought comes. but she's much too busy to take the time to tell me that when i don't need to be reminded and there are so many other things going on over on the other side.

and so today i woke up and i felt happy and peaceful and calm. it was raining, like it was on the day she died, and it felt just right somehow, cozy and familiar. i put on a big sweater, and treated myself to a morning hot chocolate.

and tonight i baked lemon bars and filled a bowl with fresh, delicious berries, and gathered around me the women friends who have meant the most to me in my life here, who have inspired me and forgiven me and served me and loved me and it didn't matter whether they had known bri or not. it was universal sisterhood in action. we sewed and ate and laughed and i told a few stories and it was just the way i wanted to spend tonight. i can't think of a more perfect way to remember dear, sweet, beloved briana. and i think she probably took a few minutes out of her eternal day to join us.

midnight snack

high: an evening stroll around the neighborhood, with all the spring flowers and trees in beautiful bloom.

low: not sitting down to dinner until 9:21p.m. as a result.

everyone's a critic

i am coming to what i hope is the end of a body obsession/dissatisfaction phase. i have been conscious of my body in all the wrong ways, fixating on every little thing that seemed different or imperfect, and all for no reason that i can articulate. it has not been fun. and, as a person who has never really had sustained body issues before, it's been disconcerting to suddenly feel like an enemy to my own body.

one silver lining has been that, in examining why i might be having these unfamiliar body-related feelings, i've identified some bad habits i'd like to get rid of and some good habits i'd like to cultivate. i take the stairs at least once a day instead of the elevator now, i am consciously avoiding mindless eating at my desk during the workday, and AWD and i have been pretty consistent about exercising together with our new community center memberships. it feels really invigorating to be reminded that i can control my choices and make positive changes. even if my body doesn't look any different, i feel different and that counts for something. actually, i think it counts for a lot.

like this whole one-month-with-no-sugar thing that we've been doing. (never mind that we are counting the minutes until it's over.) it has taken a lot of discipline and self-control and will power and self-denial and it feels really, really awesome that we did it. (almost. three more days!) i feel like the master of my own fate and that is a feeling i like to have.

but i have also made another discovery. i realized that i am infinitely more critical of my body when i am being critical of other people's bodies. whether i am comparing myself thinking i am better or comparing myself thinking i am worse, it is all-around damaging.

criticism, and not just about bodies, is one of my more unfortunate character flaws, and my attention has recently been turned to how unattractive and unhelpful it really is. i think sometimes i make a (mild) criticism to be funny or maybe to establish some common ground with someone, sort of like a wink-wink, nudge-nudge, you see what i see, right? kind of thing. but in the context of my body obsession phase the consequences of this have become a little more clear to me, and i don't like what i see.

when i criticize myself, i erode my confidence and i deny myself feelings of gratitude for my gifts, talents and abilities. and when i criticize others, even just inside my head, i erode their trust, limit my ability to fully accept what they are giving me or teaching me, and deny myself feelings of gratitude for those things.

and so, i am going to try to be a little better, to have kinder words and kinder thoughts for myself and for others. i mean, if i can go a whole month without eating cupcakes, i can do this, right? because, though my stint with unhealthy body obsession is (hopefully) behind me, i feel like its lessons are just beginning.

half yearly

yesterday marked six months since briana died.

it feels like a lifetime.

i don't think about it all the time, like i thought i might. but i also never forget about it either. especially not when i really need to call her up and ask her something.

i miss her terribly.

sometimes i cry when i think about her or talk about her. and sometimes i don't.

i find that i am a much more nervous driver. it seems equally preposterous and reasonable that that is one thing that has stuck with me more than almost any other.

i am not sad. or rather, i should say that i am not sad for her. sometimes i feel pretty sad for me, though.

a day or two after briana died my then future father-in-law called and he told me this. he said that he really believed that when faith and love-filled people like briana die, whatever the circumstances are, when they get to the other side they are not sad or disappointed. they don't feel robbed or cheated, even though those of us left on earth might. instead, they see things wholly and clearly and they understand that the arc of their life is complete.

i have come to feel that this is probably true. and i would add that then they get the work on the other side. if i have felt anything over these past few (can it really only be six? so many and yet so few) months, it is that bri is busier than ever. and i think that if i could talk to her again, she would tell me not to worry about her and to get busy, too.

the thing is, i never do worry about her. i worry about me, about all of us left here. but i suspect she would tell me to knock that off as well. there is, after all, plenty of goodness and work to go around, no matter where you are.

and so, to mark the occasion, i made a batch of lemon bars (her favorite) and thought about how much i love her and all the things we'll have to talk about when i see her again.

on an unrelated note, except that it also happened yesterday, AWD and i made homemade corn dogs and oven fries for dinner last night and it was the most delicious thing. we high-fived about it, we were so proud of ourselves.

i can't decide if briana would have thought homemade corn dogs were a little bit gross or a little bit awesome. but that's OK. i'll just have to ask her about it later, i guess.

crooked teeth

happy independence day, my babies!

i hope you are enjoying a day off work to celebrate and relax.

as for me, today feels pretty much the same as the last five days, which i have spent sleeping in, watching movies, drinking smoothies and eating slightly overcooked macaroni and cheese.

i did make it out of the house a couple of times for "transformers: dark of the moon" (totally worth it), the grocery store (totally worth it) and a dress fitting (totally worth it) and i've had tons of diligent visitors and caretakers, so things are not going too badly.

and now are you ready for the gory details of my surgery?

as a tribute to our founding fathers, here you go.

i actually only remember bits and pieces because i had two valium, two sleeping pills and some nitrus oxide before the whole thing went down. but they tell me that the doctor harvested a pretty big piece of tissue from the roof of my mouth, then peeled back my bottom gums, put the new piece down there, folded up my existing gums and stitched the whole kitten-caboodle together.

awesome, right?

because my existing gum tissue was as thin as a piece of tissue paper, the whole thing took a little more than an hour and a half. whether i'll still need some teeth extracted and replaced with implants remains to be seen. luckily, by the time the doctor makes a decision, AWD will already be married to me and he won't be able to get out of it whether i have wacky fake teeth or not.

i'll have my stitches for another week, but the recovery has not been too bad. little pain and almost no swelling. mostly i've just been really tired and my smile looks funny. oh, and i can't really brush my teeth (though i can use diluted mouthwash) so my mouth tastes pretty awesome.

and that's the recap from here. AWD, my hot compress and i are probably going to hit up a movie this afternoon and then head downtown for fireworks at the lincoln.

hope your day has some patriotic fun in store as well.

i've loved you so long

i made briana's favorite shortbread recipe the other night.

it came out both crumbly and slightly underdone, which remains a mystery. but, everyone said they were delicious and when people say that something i made is delicious, i always decide to believe them.

i really wished bri was around so i could call her and ask if it was normal for her favorite shortbread recipe to come out both crumbly and underdone.

and when i am driving home from work i really wish that she was around so that i could call her and catch up like i used to do.

but, otherwise, i feel so much peace and calm and normalcy that sometimes i wonder if i am doing something wrong. am i not grieving correctly? not grieving enough?

should i be doing something more? more crying? more talking? more... more?

i think the answer is no.

we all grieve in different ways, which i know in the abstract but am learning in real time.

over these past few weeks, though, i have felt like if i could talk to bri right now she would tell me not to worry about her at all. i get the impression that life is busy and happy on the other side.

turns out life is also pretty busy and happy here. which is just the way i want it to be. and, i think, just the way bri wants it to be, too.

spring sprang sprung

spring has been a fickle mistress of late, teasing us with warm weather and then dumping cold and rain without thinking twice.

the weekend started out gray and drizzling, which was perfect weather for bananagrams and warm chili at bus boys and poets.

but then the sun came out and the sky was blue and the breeze was blowing, which was perfect weather for bluebuck pancakes at eastern market and flowers blooming everywhere (you smell lilacs these days at every turn. i am in heaven) and laura's first bite of an apple since she got her braces off.

it was also a great day for a shopping trip at anthropologie, one last hurrah before laura's employee discount is gone forever. AWD thought it was fun for approximately 1 minute. robert promptly fell asleep in the corner.

the tulips at the temple are amazing, too.

we made grilled pizza for easter dinner and ate it sitting on blankets on the lawn with people we love. it was perfect.

yesterday and today i was flooded with phone calls and e-mails and text messages and even an in-person lemon bar delivery (thanks, emilie!) and my burden felt so lightened by all the people who were thinking of me, thinking of bri and honoring the pain of loss and the importance of human connections. i had been feeling so far away and a little bit alone in the past few days. now i feel loved and remembered and and it has made such a difference.

so, thank you.

after work i walked across the key bridge to georgetown to buy something beautiful and new to wear to the memorial service. it felt so good to be outside, face to the sun, surrounded by people. many of whom were wearing those weird running shoes that look like socks. can someone explain those to me, please?

i leave tomorrow night for my beloved salt lake, where i expect to give lots of hugs, get lots of hugs and share lots of memories to celebrate my beloved briana. i wish there was no reason for me to go, but i will be glad to be there.

i think i'll eat my lemon bar on the plane.