Tuesday, September 4, 2012

when it rains

a little while back i wrote a post about how everything was moving along so smoothly and honky-dory like that i was getting nervous something terrible was about to happen. but i decided to enjoy the moment instead of stressing about what might (or might not) be coming.

remember that?

well, it turns out the universe has a wicked sense of humor.

a week after i wrote that post i found out i was unexpectedly (though not unwelcome-ly) pregnant.


then i spent a month sick. i missed a bunch of work, a bunch of plans and a big family reunion in idaho with every single one of my cousins. it was sad.

but then i got really excited about having a little baby. and it all seemed perfect.

then i went in for my first trimester ultrasound a few weeks ago and my little baby didn't have a heartbeat at nine weeks.

so, one month to the day that i found out i was pregnant, i went in for surgery to take care of the remnants of my miscarriage. it was the saddest worst thing that has ever happened to me.

but people are so nice and heavenly father is so good and i was starting to feel better.

and then this morning my sweet and much beloved grandpa johnson passed away. it's hard to feel too sad because he was old and sick and in so much pain and he is not any of those things anymore. but it's hard not to feel sad at all knowing he won't be around anymore.

so, i'd just like to say one thing to myself: i told you so. my pessimistic suspicions were correct. i was on the cusp of some really hard things and the past couple of months have really worn me out in every way that a person can be worn.

but i'd also like to tell myself something else: hard things are nothing to be afraid of. i am glad i chose to enjoy those good moments while i was having them, because worrying through them would have been a waste. there are some things that have happened to me since then that i can honestly say i wish had never happened at all, but i am surviving all of them. little by little i am making it through. and i have even managed to find some joy in these struggles.

i'll take a little bit of a risk here and say i hope that this particular storm has passed. i could use a rest and some recuperation. but, if it continues to rage i will continue to weather it. and when the sun comes again i will love it all the more.


heidikins said...

This is one of the best pieces of advice I have ever read: "hard things are nothing to be afraid of"

I am so sorry things have been so hard for you, of late. I sincerely hope things take a turn for the better/easier/sunnier, and soon.


Stephanie May Anderson said...

Oh Frances, my heart is just hurting for you. I know you are strong and able to find something positive in your trials but I also can't help but tell you how much I am sure your heart hurts...and it's ok. You are always brave through the storm and I admire that. I'm sending my love your way during the tough times you're going through because sometimes that's all a friend can do for another friend. Hang in there. love you!

Angie said...

I know that awful sinking feeling when you find out there is no heartbeat. I'm so sorry you had to feel it. When it happened to me, there was comfort in realizing just how many of my friends had experienced it too. A big virtual hug for you, my friend.

SRA said...

I was kind of wondering a little bit if a miscarriage was one of the bad things that had happened. I am very sorry to hear that it is. Please know that you aren't alone in the experience...good friends of mine had the same thing happen to them a few months ago...and there are many others in the LDS community who know what it is like. I am also sorry to hear about the loss of your grandpa. Grandparents are the best, and it is wonderful to have their presence and wisdom in one's life, but like you said, he's now free of the hardships he was enduring toward the end. Hang in there. You are loved and admired, and that is no fortune cookie line.