family out evening

back in the days when i lived in the slc, some of my favorite friends and i made a little tradition of a twist on the mormon family home evening. we called it family out evening, and instead of staying home for a lesson and a treat, we would all go out together for, well, mostly treats. but togetherness is what matters, says i.

AWD and i have been trying to get in some good family-oriented routines now that we've got a family on the way, and we made a step in the right direction last night with a family out evening of our own. and even better, it could not have been more mormony: shopping for strollers and cribs at target and dinner at cafe rio.

seriously.

i guess this our life now? 

you can call me pants, but i'm not going to wear them to church

i have been trying to write this post all morning. or maybe i should say, i have been writing and rewriting this post all morning, on paper, in my head, everywhere. but i think i should just cut to the chase. 

mormon feminists are wearing pants to church on sunday. i am planning to wear a skirt.

i was blessed to grow up in a home and environment where men and women were partners and treated fairly. i was never not allowed to do something, or made to do something else, because i was a girl. i was never told i couldn’t do one thing, or that i had to do another thing, because i was a girl. my potential was limitless and my worth was connected to me and me alone. i didn’t call myself a “feminist” until i got to college because i didn’t know there was a special word for what i assumed was the way everyone thought about the world and treated each other.

i recognize that not everyone was blessed to grow up like this. that breaks my heart. 

i have had to find my own peace about things i do not understand and cannot explain easily in my own faith tradition. i have felt frustrated, confused, offended, marginalized, misunderstood, out of place and judged. 

i have also felt loved, empowered, supported, recognized, seen and heard. always by my heavenly father, often by others. 

i believe that men and women are different, just as every person is somehow different from the next. i do not believe that different means “better” and “worse.” i think traditions and untruths that try to explain differences between men and women as the result of one gender being more righteous, more holy, more pure or somehow more “special” than the other are offensive, condescending and damaging to women and to men whether it is women or men perpetuating them. i would like to see those ideas go away entirely and forever. i hope i am playing my part to help that happen.

i believe that men and women can be fair and balanced partners in marriages, in congregations and in any other type of pairing or interaction. i do not believe that fairness equates to sameness. and that is ok with me.

i recognize and understand the desire—the need—to make your voice heard, to reveal yourself, to feel solidarity and shared purpose. i do not judge anything about that, or any way that anyone might settle on to make it happen for them. wearing pants to church is not the way I have settled on to make it happen for me. i hope that is equally respected and embraced.

there is certainly, i think, more to say. but every way I have tried to say it has come out sounding wrong. so i have decided to just say this: i am behind the great and glorious cause. i have, and will continue to fight for it in my own way. this is not my way. but if this is your way let it be known that you, your heart, your purposes and your dreams are seen, heard and safe by me.

one year.

today it is one year since briana died.

a few weeks ago, on good friday as a matter of fact, i missed her so badly and had so much sadness that i didn't even know where to put it, and so it came spilling out of my eyes in great big tears as i was driving home from work. thinking about her hurt that day.

but today i woke up and i felt so happy and peaceful and calm. it was raining, like it was on the day she died, and it felt just right somehow, cozy and familiar.

it was a year ago that holly called me and told me. something had happened. there was an accident. briana was gone. i heard her but i couldn't understand what it meant. all i knew was that i couldn't repeat the words, out loud or in my head, without breaking down to cry.

i felt alone and far away from so many people who knew and loved her-- and me-- the best. and so to make some sense of it all, to wrap my head around something that i could dissect and analyze, i became obsessed with the details. the roads were wet. the car swerved. but why? they weren't wearing their seatbelts. but why? how did the car roll? where did it land? i read every article, every blog, watched every news report, looked at every picture.

had she been afraid? had she suffered? i worried.

and i worried for myself, too. i have not had many chances in my life, thankfully, to learn the language of grief and loss. was i doing it right? mourning enough? too much? in the right way? i wanted briana to come to me somehow, maybe in a dream or just in a thought, and tell me i was doing OK, tell me that she remembered me, that she missed me as much as i miss her.

lately, though, i have felt that there's no reason for her to tell me something i already know and believe in my heart. of course she remembers me, the thought comes. but she's much too busy to take the time to tell me that when i don't need to be reminded and there are so many other things going on over on the other side.

and so today i woke up and i felt happy and peaceful and calm. it was raining, like it was on the day she died, and it felt just right somehow, cozy and familiar. i put on a big sweater, and treated myself to a morning hot chocolate.

and tonight i baked lemon bars and filled a bowl with fresh, delicious berries, and gathered around me the women friends who have meant the most to me in my life here, who have inspired me and forgiven me and served me and loved me and it didn't matter whether they had known bri or not. it was universal sisterhood in action. we sewed and ate and laughed and i told a few stories and it was just the way i wanted to spend tonight. i can't think of a more perfect way to remember dear, sweet, beloved briana. and i think she probably took a few minutes out of her eternal day to join us.

conference call

this weekend was general conference for us mormons. i love general conference, partly because what is not to love about church you can watch on tv while you are wearing your sweats? but mostly because what is not to love about the chance to hear prophets and apostles teach you the things heavenly father wants you to know. i sort of wish it came around every month instead of every six months, but i'll take what i can get.

i tried to make a special effort this time around to really prepare myself for conference. i thought about questions i wanted to answer and areas in my life where i wanted to improve and do a little better. and, wouldn't you know it, but i found everything i was looking for. i love it when my heart and mind are open enough to let that happen.

a lot of talks, like this one from president monson, were about setting wiser priorities and making sure that our families come before anything and anyone else. this is something i have been thinking about a lot. i am a project and task oriented person. i get a real rush out of making lists and then crossing things off and seeing progress and feeling productive, and i am inclined to put tasks and projects and errands and lists before a lot of other things, a habit that was pretty firmly solidified in my single years. but i have been re-evaluating the correct balance in my newly married life, and talks about family and priorities drove home the idea that my to-do list should not come before my husband and my home. that is not to say, of course, that i have to give up all productivity and there are obviously things that just have to get done (i'm looking at you, evil axis of laundry, cleaning and grocery shopping) and there is no way i could ever live a project-free life, nor do i think i need to, but i feel newly committed and energized to be a little more flexible and embrace unstructured and uninterrupted time with my new family (aka: AWD). because some things just can, and should, wait. and isn't a happy and healthy marriage and family and home the most productive thing i can do anyway? i am starting to understand that it is.

and this talk by president uchtdorf was the perfect complement to my recent thoughts about leaving criticism and judgement behind. oh, how i long to do this! i love president uchtdorf's simple admonition when it comes to judgement, envy and all those other ugly feelings: stop it. it sounds so simple, but i think it is going to be a pretty long road for me to master it. i feel even more motivated to try, though, which i think can only be good news.

throw in a sunny walk around the neighborhood, a delicious sunday morning brunch with good friends, and lots of snuggle time, and it's easy to see why conference weekend is a winner, this and every time.

brandon, you're a star

some of you may recall my close and personal encounter with the killers, which, though a while ago now, is still one of my chief cool kid cards.

so, given my close and personal relationship with the band, you can imagine my delight when this video of my homeboy brandon flowers, sharing his belief in mormonism with the entire internet world surfaced. maybe you've seen it already?

if not, check it.

way to go brandon! way to go mormons!

how rare a possession, now with postscript!

i have been on my soap box for a while now about the broadway musical "the book of mormon."

basically, it leaves me fuming.

from what i can tell it is vulgar and rude and mocking and i like to think i would be just as offended if it was a play about someone else's religion.

i am particularly peeved that the creators claim they actually love mormons, which is why they wrote and produced a play that makes light of everything we hold sacred and dear. sort of like when you mom tells you that boys make fun of you because they secretly have crushes on you.

well, i am here to say that no boy who ever made fun of me turned out to have a crush on me and the creators of "the book of mormon" are full of crap. if they love us so much, why don't they just leave us in peace?

i also take issue with the media attention the play is getting, since every article written about it quotes a token, open-minded mormon who says there is nothing wrong with the play and actually it's hilarious! when actually those people are almost always a non-praticing unbeliever who just holds on to the title of mormon because it brings them notoriety and keeps them relevant and shocking in moments just such as these.

so, imagine how pleased i was when AWD forwarded me this article, media coverage and from a non-mormon no less, saying just what i think and feel about the stupid book of mormon musical.

nice to know i have at least one ally out there.

postscript: i would like to clarify one thing (thanks, julia!). and that thing is that there are plenty of people who are fully practicing, believing mormons who have no problem at all with "the book of mormon" and i don't think there is anything wrong with that, or with them. i just don't happen to be one of them. i still maintain, however, that there are some media mormons out there who are cashing in on the whole hoopla and making us offended mormons sound like leave it to beaver-era prudes with no sense of humor. and that's pretty offensive, too.

i probably should have also mentioned originally that i really liked the church's official response to the musical which was, basically, that "the book of mormon" musical might entertain you for a few hours, but the book of mormon the book will change your life forever. plenty of people with plenty of room in their lives for both, but i am just going to stick to the one.

postpostscript: i've never done a postscript before. how was it?

i've loved you so long

i made briana's favorite shortbread recipe the other night.

it came out both crumbly and slightly underdone, which remains a mystery. but, everyone said they were delicious and when people say that something i made is delicious, i always decide to believe them.

i really wished bri was around so i could call her and ask if it was normal for her favorite shortbread recipe to come out both crumbly and underdone.

and when i am driving home from work i really wish that she was around so that i could call her and catch up like i used to do.

but, otherwise, i feel so much peace and calm and normalcy that sometimes i wonder if i am doing something wrong. am i not grieving correctly? not grieving enough?

should i be doing something more? more crying? more talking? more... more?

i think the answer is no.

we all grieve in different ways, which i know in the abstract but am learning in real time.

over these past few weeks, though, i have felt like if i could talk to bri right now she would tell me not to worry about her at all. i get the impression that life is busy and happy on the other side.

turns out life is also pretty busy and happy here. which is just the way i want it to be. and, i think, just the way bri wants it to be, too.

he is not here

yesterday i learned that one of my very most dear and very best friends, briana, died in a car accident.

today i celebrated and marveled at the resurrection and atonement of my savior jesus christ.

my heart is broken.

but my heart is hopeful.

i last talked to bri on monday, to tell her AWD and i were engaged. we made a plan to meet up for breakfast while AWD and i are in salt lake in a few weeks. it has been almost a year since i have seen her face-to-face. i couldn't wait.

but now i will have to wait a little while longer.

it still seems impossible to believe. impossible that she'll never meet AWD in this life, impossible that she won't be with us in person on the day we are married like i so hoped she would be. impossible that she won't deliver my babies like i always wanted her to, that i won't take my kids to visit her.

instead, i will tell my kids these stories.

about how once every six months or so, bri would get a craving for lemon bars that she couldn't shake until she made a batch and ate one. except that she could never eat just one and always ended up eating the whole pan. and then she would say, "i never want to see another lemon bar for as long as i live!" but then, six months later, she would.

or about how one day i came home and there was a sort of strange smell in the house and no one was home but the oven was on really low, and when i opened it up there was a placenta inside, drying out to be ground up into powder, put into capsules and delivered to one of bri's clients. it was the first time i had ever seen a placenta. it was kind of gross.

one of my favorite things to do on cold, wintery sunday mornings was to climb up the stairs and crawl into bed with bri until it was time to get up and get ready for church. we would talk and talk and i would doze off and we were always late on those mornings and it was always worth it. i am especially glad now that i didn't lose a single second.

and then there are the millions of little details that add up as a person becomes a part of you and your life. even these past few years, when we have been far away from each other, we've spent hours and hours on the phone, talking through the joys and sorrows and questions and answers and problems and solutions and epiphanies that make up our mortal experience.

even now all i want to do is call her, to talk to her about this, about her being gone, so we can figure out how to deal with it together. i am finding it difficult to deal with it on my own.

i am also going to tell my children this story.

that on the morning of the third day, mary went to the tomb and it was empty. and the angel said unto her, "why seek ye the living among the dead? he is not here, for he is risen, as he said."

and then i will tell them that i know that this is true. that the savior jesus christ rose on the third day and that through him we, too, can conquer death.

i will know it then as i feel it now, here in the space where the rubber meets the road and the substance of my faith matters. if there ever was a time when believing mattered, it is now.

and believe i do.

i believe that christ the lord rose from the grave, as he promised his disciples that he would.

i believe that because of the sacrifice and resurrection of the savior, we too can live again, forever with him and with one another.

i believe that families are eternal.

i believe that friendships are, too.

i believe that a loving heavenly father knows each of us, loves each of us, and takes care of each of us.

i believe that hard and painful and incomprehensible things happen to us here in mortality.

i know that the spirit of the lord can comfort us whether we understand our pain or not.

my heart is broken.

but my heart is hopeful.

as president thomas s. monson said, "in our hour of deepest sorrow, we can receive profound peace from the words of the angel that first easter morning: 'he is not here, for he is risen.'"

i know i am not alone when i say that my sorrow at this particular loss feels very deep indeed. and i think i will be sad for a long time. in fact, i think i will miss bri for my whole life. but i trust in the words of the angel, in the peace of the lord.

i trust in his plan.

and, above all, i trust him.

how can i miss you if you won't go away?

i know, i know. it's been too long and all my excuses are worn out and tired, so let's just move on to the main event, shall we? here is what has been going down around here.

after months of jimmer-mania (i'm totally on board now that i have figured out he is a basketball player, not a football player), i watched my first BYU game of the season a couple of weeks ago, wherein the cougars were crushed by florida. so, i have to say, not sure what the whole jimmer worship thing is really all about. seems to me he sort of dropped the ball (pun intended). but, then again, i went to get my hair cut in the middle of the game, so i guess you could argue i don't know-slash-care much about these things.

and, speaking of my hair, it is a totally cute, new cut and not a single person i work with noticed. sad trombone.

AWD and i decided to have a saturday adventure the weekend before last. first we had brunch with dana and jess and chris at pint meridian in columbia heights. it had been a while since i'd gone to columbia heights, and i had forgotten that i actually kind of like it up there. the weather was warm and there were lots of people out walking and riding bikes and doing stuff. the city is really starting to come alive in the spring. i dig it.

after brunch we went to the hirschorn. i was thinking how much i was enjoying the blinky palermo retrospective when AWD said, "i guess there is some art i just don't understand." but then we decided you don't necessarily have to understand art to enjoy it. and then all was right with the world again.

after the hirschorn we went to the national gallery, along with half the population of the national capital region. that place was crowded. the sculptures were our favorite.

we also hit up the outdoor sculpture garden and got our first peak at the cherry blossoms. i love cherry blossoms. the end.

after the national gallery, we headed over to crumbs to get a cupcake, which we ate in the sunny delight of the courtyard at the portrait gallery. count 'em up kids, that's three museums in one day. and that is how you have a saturday adventure.

though it ended sort of anti-climactically, with AWD mowing my lawn and doing my taxes.

i spent last week at a summit at the national conference center in leesburg, va, which is sort of a cross between a dormitory complex and a prison. it was my first big solo communications project since moving to my new contract last fall, and i think i nailed it. special guests included sean astin, also known as samwise gamgee, and holly petraeus, also known as the wife of the man who runs the military. i am sort of hoping he runs for president so i can cross another first lady photo op off my list.

this weekend we braved cold, windy weather and confused wandering tourists to see the cherry blossoms for real. it is more pleasant to stroll among the blossoms in warm weather, but i still love cherry blossoms (the end) and they were really gorgeous this year, despite the bluster.

saturday and sunday were general conference (church on TV!) which also meant eating non-stop. my biggest culinary success was baked red velvet donuts. don't be jealous.

the final piece of important news is that the squirrel city removal has (finally) begun. they have taken out two enormous nests so far, and there is one more to go. the bad news is the squirrels chewed a hole through our roof. the bad news is, there were no babies in the nest. so, i am counting that it as a win for us.

and now you are up to date!

whew.

i feel better. do you?

kicks for free

remember when i was the kind of famous that got quoted in the huffington post?

well, now i am the kind of famous that gets quoted in the washington post.

and let us not forget the town talk. (thanks, louisiana!)

with all of this notoriety i thought for sure i would get a call inviting me to the oscars, but i didn't.

weird.

i did get a call asking me to be on a radio program talking about this ever-fascinating topic, though, and i agreed. and then i got really nervous. and then during the (live!) panel discussion i held my telephone to my ear so tightly that it was throbbing for hours afterward. (my ear, not the phone. the phone appeared to be just fine.)

i haven't listened to the program yet because i am not convinced it went all that well, plus listening to my recorded voice always gives me sort of an existential crisis, but other people who heard it said they thought it went just fine so i am going to swallow my pride and give you the link to listen, if you'd like.

adoring praise is always welcome, but if you think it went poorly i would ask you to kindly keep that opinion to yourself.

a few thoughts in the aftermath.

ichi. i disagree with my fellow panelist, joanna, that the author of the new york times article that started all of this hit the nail right on the head in describing what it is like to be a single mormon. i have said before and i will say again now, i think the author of that article was way out in left-field with a totally skewed perspective. and, because i have already said plenty about that, i will leave it there.

ni. i got a little bit worried that i was coming off as cavalier or dismissive of the difficulties other people face in trying to keep the commandments as a mormon. i certainly didn't mean to do that. i find it hard, too. really hard sometimes. but the cliche holds true. if it wasn't hard it wouldn't be worth it. and i do happen to think that keeping the commandments is worth it, and then some. as i was talking i realized that for as liberal as i think i am in a lot of things, i am actually really conservative when it comes to the way i obey the commandments of the gospel. and i feel OK about that. but i also get it that not everyone is interested in obeying that way, and that's OK, too.

san. i got cut off at the end (my clock said there were two minutes left, but what are you going to do?), which made me really sad because i feel like i ended on a sort of depressing note without saying the most important part of my whole final point. so, lucky you! you get to hear it now. what i wanted to say was this.

yes, i think every woman in the church in my position has to accept the reality that she might not get married. statistically speaking that is a possibility for all of us. and is that a hard pill to swallow? absolutely. because a life of taking out the garbage and setting mouse traps and figuring out finances and going to family reunions and bridal showers and baby showers all by myself forevermore sounds sad and lonely. but-- and this is the important part-- i trust my heavenly father. i trust that he guides me and takes care of me and is aware of me and i absolutely, 100 percent trust him to give me everything i need to make a happy life. that knowledge and assurance and perspective are what keep me in the church, and that knowledge and assurance and perspective are what i think people like our friend at the new york times are missing.

and now, i have a bonus for you!

which is also a bonus for me because i feel like it backs up my defense of chastity quite nicely.

intrigued? check out this article about why men have the advantage in sexual economics, even when they're total losers. give it a read and let me know what you think.

in some ways, the answer is a re-hashing of the "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" argument for chastity, but i think this presents a more nuanced case than that because it isn't a plug for chastity so much as it is a description of the potential consequences of sexual permissiveness. turns out sex is not the magic bullet solution to long-lasting, committed, equitable relationships between men and women. and in fact, sometimes sex can do just the opposite.

which is something i wonder whether our friend at the new york times, or others in her position, thought to consider.

and now i think i might be done beating this particular drum or dead horse or whatever the appropriate phrase is here. i think i have said my piece.

i'm still totally down for going to the oscars, though. maybe 2012?

huffington post(ed)

remember when i was famous because i was in the salt lake tribune?

well, now i am the kind of famous that gets quoted in the huffington post.

sure, it's the same quotes, but this is a whole new platform, and i have been brainstorming all kinds of ways i can turn it into true fame and fortune.

suggestions are welcome.

single white mormon

allow me to return, if i may, to my recent brush with fame.

it all started with this article in the new york times.

i read it, and then i read some responses in the mormon blogosphere, namely the responses found here and here.

and then, just as i was brainstorming a blogosphere response of my own, intrepid salt lake tribune religion report peggy fletcher stack (who is also intrepid first-cousin-once-removed peggy fletcher stack) called and asked if she could interview me for her story about the story. you can enjoy my pearls of wisdom here.

but, there are a few more things i'd like to say. and so i will say them now.

for one. relationships are about more than sex. i feel like we, as mormons, get totally fixated on sex because we aren't having it (before we're married, that is) and we assume that everyone else around us is having it, and so sex becomes the thing that we strive for, the light at the end of the long abstinence tunnel. we are not fully formed, real people until we have sex, we think, and so our relationships and we ourselves cannot be complete without it.

when the truth is that relationships of all kinds are about an infinite number of things, all of which are well within your grasp whether you are having sex or not, including patience and charity and forgiveness and compromise and emotional connectedness and selflessness and giving and taking and learning and teaching.

and, though i have no personal experience on this end of the equation, i would imagine that these are the things that are most important in relationships that do include sex, too. sex isn't the thing that is magically going to turn us into the people we want to be. but treating people with care and respect and tolerance just might.

for two. chastity is about more than sex, or the lack thereof. i was at a temple wedding a year or so ago where the officiator talked about chastity in the context of the marriage relationship. surely, he said, complete physical fidelity is required between a husband and a wife. but, more than that, chastity and fidelity mean never putting your spouse in a bad light for your own gain, never talking down to them or badly about them, never spotlighting their weaknesses, never belittling or betraying trust. i loved this description of chastity. it is about honoring people, physically and otherwise. and i frankly can't see why anyone would think that was a value not worth keeping.

for three. in my opinion, anyone who is willing to leave the church over nothing more than sex before marriage is missing the whole point, the whole essence, the whole magic and blessing of the gospel.

i once heard someone describe it like this.

we should imagine our experience in the gospel, the components of our testimonies and belief as items on a scale, the good or the blessings or the benefits on one side and the bad or the confusing and the unbearable on the other. as long as the good outweighs the bad, the actively participating in the church is worth it. as soon as the bad outweighs the good, maybe it is time to reconsider.

in my personal experience, for all the frustrations and questions i have had about the church, they have never weighed more than the unending blessings the church has given me. and i just cannot imagine that sex, when weighted against the gifts of the gospel, would ever come out on top. unless someone was missing the gifts of the gospel entirely.

of course it is hard and frustrating and sometimes embarrassing (see my last epistle on chastity here) but i still maintain that it is totally, completely, 100 percent worth it and i am going to stay in the fight until the bitter end. because i know that end will not be bitter at all, but oh so sweet.

hearts away

we had a valentine's-themed family home evening last night, and i can safely say it was a rousing success.

i started us off with a lesson about charity (because what else would we talk about at a valentine's-themed family home evening?) including this quote from president monson, which i absolutely love (and not just because it's almost valentine's day). it goes like this:

"I consider charity-- or "the pure love of Christ"-- to be the opposite of criticism and judging. In speaking of charity, I do not at this moment have in mind the relief of the suffering through the giving of our substance. That, of course, is necessary and proper. Tonight, however, I have in mind the kind of charity that manifests itself when we are tolerant of others and lenient towards their actions, the kind of charity that forgives, the kind of charity that is patient.

I have in mind the charity that impels us to be sympathetic, compassionate, and merciful, not only in times of sickness and affliction and distress but also in times of weakness or error on the part of others.

There is a serious need for the charity that gives attention to those who are unnoticed, hope to those who are discouraged, aid to those who are afflicted. True charity is love in action. The need for charity is everywhere."

did i mention how much i love this quote? i love it because this is the kind of charity i would like to have, the kind that does not judge or criticize. and i love it because this is the kind of charity that has been shown to me, the kind that is lenient and forgiving. i have been so blessed, as i have fumbled through my own progression, with friends and family who have patiently let me keep trying. i am very grateful for that, and for them.

after the lesson, we ate shortbread cookies (mama hellewell's recipe!) and decorated boxes to hold the valentine cards we made for each other. (and yes, AWD labeled his "the love box." i nearly died laughing.)

laura and robert entertained us all the while with the tale of their first meeting, courtship, engagement and marriage, as well as with their slightly risque valentines for one another. if you think that we are almost more adorable than you can stand, you are probably right.

light me up

we went to the temple on wednesday, EH, alyce and i, and it was just wonderful as the temple always is. though this time it was extra wonderful because the christmas lights are up.

these pictures are not wonderful, but i think you get the idea.





just blissful. freezing outside and blissful.

be ye doers

back when i lived in the salty city, the girls and i had a little tradition we liked to call family out evening. because your friends are your (urban) family, especially in your away-from-home, single life. so, every monday night, we would get together and have our own little family time. and it was grand.

last night EH and picked up the FOE torch and headed to robert and laura's for homemade cinnamon rolls, hot chocolate, and a discussion our of favorite conference talks.

i will tell you that one of my favorite things in the world is sitting around with people i really like talking about the gospel. and it might sound nerdy or goody-goody or boring or lame, but i don't care. i always learn something new and hold my own beliefs a little more strongly and a little more carefully after i have talked them out with someone else. and i dig that.

so i was particularly glad last night when robert brought up a talk about the principle of agency, because this is something i have been pondering a lot lately. i feel like i have recently experienced for the first time, or at least the first time that i am so conscious of, not getting something i wanted and expected and worked for and hoped for because of the choices of someone else. and that experience has caused me to think about and come to believe a few things.

mostly, i have decided that although it is really whimsical and romantic to think that there are things that are just inevitable, meant to be, fated and out of our control, that is just not the case. we always, always have a choice. and even when other peoples' choices limit our choices we still have choices, including the ability to choose how we are going to react to the choices of others. (still with me?) nothing is ever out of our hands, in other words. and i find this a remarkably empowering thing to understand.

because i also believe that the more good choices we make, the more good choices we are able to make. one because good choices open the door to more good options, which lead to more good choices and so on forevermore and two, because making good choices is something we can practice and get better at, just like everything else. less-than-good choices, though, really close the door on opportunities that could make our lives a lot better.

and now i would like to say this. i am not perfect and i am betting that not many of you are either and sometimes we don't make the best choices and that is just life. i also believe in a loving heavenly father who works overtime to help us make the best of whatever choice we have made. i know that's true because he has done it for me. but i also know it is true that we can sure make his job easier by choosing the best we can in the first place.

the bottom line being that, though it isn't the hollywood model of divine providence sweeping in and making something magnificent out of my life through a series of increasingly preposterous coincidences hopefully involved jake gyllenhaal, i would prefer to be a person who dictates the choices in my life, instead of allowing my life to dictate my choices. i would rather act than be acted upon, would rather be in control than controlled. we can let our lives happen or we can make our lives happen, and i feel newly committed to being a doer.

now, of course, if jake gyllenhaal would like to join me, i would be totally down for that.

fictionalized, post-edit

i promised a wrap-up to the great mormon novel discussion, so i am going to stay true to my word, despite the fact that it has been suggested that this particular topic has run its course. that may be true, but here are a few final thoughts.

for starters, i feel like i should clarify the definition of "great mormon novel" under which i was working. i am not talking about novels that were simply written by people who happen to be mormon. i think it has been rightly pointed out that there are some fairly good examples of those. and also pointed out, by cousin nan, that some of them might even become classics in their own right once they have weathered the test of time. (orson scott card, your day is coming!) what i am talking about is a novel written by a mormon, yes, but also a novel that captures the mormon experience. a novel that can give the world an insight into what being a mormon might be like. something along the lines of gilead, by marilynne robinson, for example, or the golden compass trilogy.

so, that's one thing.

now. steve suggests that perhaps the most plausible explanation for a lack of great mormon literature is rooted in the lack of a collective mormon narrative. it is true that the mormon church, these days especially, draws from a wide geographic pool of people and traditions, and mormons don't identify as strongly as a cultural or ethnic group as other religions. i also think it is true that, as mormons, we are encouraged to find a way to live the doctrines of the church that makes the most sense to us; we have to live all of them, but our reasons for and ways of doing so vary. so the church can become a more individualistic than group-like experience. i do think, however, that the narrative of the beginning of the church and, in particular, the westward-bound pioneer experience represents a collective narrative on some level, though probably much less so to people joining the church now, and especially in countries outside the united states.

ultimately, i think the answer comes down to this. whether you consider it a collective narrative or just the history of the mormon church, there are things that make us stand out, things that make us self-conscious, things we would just rather not talk about for fear of seeming or sounding more peculiar than we already feel. the need (not unjustified, i might add) to be accepted and thought of as "normal" by our peers is strong enough to disallow any truly reflective examination of our heritage, at least one that other people will see and read and talk about. are we proud of who we are, what we do, what we believe and what we stand for? i think the answer is most definitely yes. but i think we would also like to seem sort of like everyone else.

so. will there never be a great novel that captures the mormon experience? i don't think so. but, i am done talking about it for now.

fictionalized

a few months back, ABK and i were eating brunch in brooklyn (say that three times fast) when he posed the following question: if i were to recommend a seminal piece of mormon literature, what would it be?

and i could think of nothing.

well, nothing except for the twilight saga. but that is not a serious answer.

(though, sidenote, when ABK, my measuring stick for all things intellectual and worthwhile, said, "i think i am going to see the second movie. the first one was pretty good and the preview for the second one looks kind of bad-ass" all shame i felt about twilight disappeared.)

back to the question at hand, though, i was seriously stumped. no great mormon novelist, no precise and moving mormon novel came to mind. i could not think of a single piece of literature that captured the mormon experience. it was distressing.

and so ABK asked the next logical question (logical question-asker that he is): why do you think that is?

i didn't have a very coherent answer then, but i thought about it for a while and consulted many a thinking mormon, and came up with a few theories.

for one thing, the mormon experience is young. it is not rooted in the exotic and expansive generational histories of so many of the world's other religions. there is not much ancient or mystical to draw on.

i also think that much of moving and great religious literature relies somewhat on an identification with struggle and trial, and while the history of mormons and the mormon church certainly has adversity to spare, i feel like the mormon ethos is one of triumph over trial instead of self-identity in trial. some groups of faithful people live in it, weather it, make it a critical piece of their identity and experience. mormons tend to conquer it and move on. this is not to say that one is right and one is wrong and, as with most things, a balance between the two is probably the best. but endless optimism doesn't always make for reflective, heart-wrenching fiction. (unless that fiction involves true love and vampires.)

another theory is that the mormon ethos is one of practical production, not artistic self-indulgence. we are CEOs, not novelists! there is a sense of urgency about earning, doing, leading, progressing, moving up and on that can stifle the more quiet, and often less tangible work of thinking and creating.

most of all, though, i think mormons still worry about being weird, and the thought of putting the intricacies of a spiritual experience that most people find bizarre at best, and sacrilegious at worst, out into the world whether as a piece of fiction or something else is, frankly, terrifying. the truly religious experience is hard enough to put into words that other people who have not lived your life can understand. and harder still when you feel that your life is so much different from everyone else's.

well, it turns out i was not the only person thinking about this.

just yesterday, slate ran an article asking the same question ABK did: where is the great mormon novel? the author, a mormon himself, offers many similar theories to my own about the lack of great mormon fiction, and provides some additional postulations as well. mormons are too uncomfortable with ambiguity and imperfection to write great fiction. they find a willingness to ask questions is threatening. mormons are unwilling to look beyond their conventional selves. major detractors suggest that the absence of great mormon fiction writers (sorry, stephenie meyer), is proof that one cannot be intellectually serious and a mormon at the same time, though i take major issue with that particular claim.

i think the author hits the nail on the proverbial head when he says, "a great mormon writer might change how the religion is perceived in the wider culture. if that writer drew on his own background in his work... he could help humanize a group of people still regarded by many as peculiar."

but i think the honest truth is, we are all still too sensitive about, and afraid of, our peculiarity to try.

what do you think? am i up in the night here? and is there a great mormon novel we are all missing? (no nominations for orson scott card, please.)

in and out: a review

i was over at segullah this weekend, posting about the inner vessel and the outer vessel and consumerism and wearing sweatpants to target and, well, as you can probably tell it was all a bit of a jumble, but feel free to have a read.

and despite the fact that i wasn't quite sure what i was trying to get around to, not to mention how i was going to get around to it, i was so inspired by the (cyber)conversation that resulted from that post.

ultimately, i think my point was (is) this. it's OK to want to look nice and to spend time and even money on your appearance, especially if it makes you feel better and act better. but there has to be a balance in all things, and if we are focusing on our outer selves so much that our inner selves are neglected, then the (metaphoric) scales are not tipping in the right direction.

as one commenter said, "i suppose it would be helpful to... ask ourselves something like, 'is my confidence based on knowing i’m a daughter of God, or because i look really awesome in these great jeans?' i love my well fitted jeans, but if that’s where my confidence lies, there’s a problem."

i also loved this idea that maybe instead of judging people based on what we perceive as a sloppy or unkempt appearance, we should pay more attention to what that appearance is telling us about the needs of one of our sisters: "our environment, our own personal physical environment, does effect how we feel and communicates something about what is going on inside. even when you run to target in sweats to get a baby’s Rx you’re communicating that through your harried look, sweatpants, and screaming baby in tow. if we recognized the hidden messages people send out in these ways we would be better able to reach out and serve them."

but really, it was the message that we shouldn't be judging each other at all that came out to me most strongly. i don't want to be dismissed as shallow or irresponsible or haughty because i feel better with an expensive haircut and a cute outfit. so how can i possibly feel OK about dismissing someone as lazy or insecure or indifferent because she prefers a ponytail and sweats?

or, as this commenter said, "i have a lot of sympathy for women who’d rather not be caught wearing sweat pants to target, but no admiration for women who criticize other women for doing so."

amen.

because ultimately the story told in our eyes and on our faces, and the reflection of our heavenly father and savior's love in our countenances is the best accessory we can have.

what are your thoughts on the topic?

penny for your thoughts (a shiny nickel, too)

lately, instead of starting conversations by asking "what's new?" my friend (codename) v-slice has started asking, "what's on your mind?"

this is a far superior question if for no other reason than it gets right to the point. when someone asks me "what's new?" i feel like i have to come up with some hilarious story or run out and plan an exotic vacation rightnow so i'll have something to say next time they ask me. when someone asks me, "what's on your mind?" i can just cut to the chase.

right now this very moment i have something on my mind that is not quite fully formed. and i am going to let it take its time baking. here are the questions i am turning over.

what does it mean, as people of faith (and, particularly, as people of the mormon faith) to be in the world but not of it? how can we unapologetically live our own values, while creating a safe space where no one feels like they have to apologize for living by a different code? how do we build common ground when we are different, and come together when there are some things from which we are asked to keep ourselves separate? how can we be righteous without being self-righteous, and discern without judging?

i have a lot of gears turning in my head, working this one through. for certain, it is a tightrope walk the requires ultimate balance and finesse, constant self-awareness and charity. i am going to keep muddling at it and get back to you when some more coherent thoughts have formed. (i am really good at asking questions these days, but answers seem harder to come by.)

in the meantime, you should tell me what you think. to paraphrase the spice girls, what you really, really think.

if you're happy and you know it

last night i went out with the sister missionaries to teach jeff, who recently joined the church. i had not been out with the missionaries since i was myself a missionary, so it was about time. as they say.

the topic of discussion was the plan of salvation. the plan of happiness. god's plan for us.

the plan whereby we left the safe bosom of heavenly parents, gained bodies and came to earth. earth where we would learn and grow through trial, triumph, hardship, sin, repenting, overcoming, failure and success. learn and grow so we can become more like god and return to live with him some day.

the plan of salvation promises us ultimate happiness. but to get there, we have to do and experience things that are hard.

and last night i wondered. why?

why, sometimes, does it have to be so hard?

because without the bitter we cannot know the sweet? without falling down we cannot know the joy of getting up again?

yes. yes, i think that is part of it. but that is not always a great comfort in the thick of adversity.

and then, i thought of something else.

maybe it doesn't have to be that hard after all.

i think the only reason a loving heavenly father could send us away from him to learn and grow and experience on our own was because he had the power to make our journey easy, and our burdens light. we just have to ask, trust, believe. leap.

easy does not mean simple. and easy does not mean that we will not struggle, face challenges. fall down. but i was reminded last night that i believe in a loving god who wants us to succeed, who is ready, willing, and able to make our way as easy as he possibly can.

easy means that we do not fight our battles alone.

and that means it doesn't always have to be so hard.

that is my salvation, and my happiness.

that, my friends, is a plan i can stick to.