the day i turned 31

the day i turned 31 we landed on mainland china. so i have a stamp in my passport with my birthday on it. this makes me happy.

the day i turned 31 we were stopped by chinese customs agents who went through our suitcases claiming they were looking for "magazines." we didn't have any. once they were satisfied, one of the agents said to us, "you are tourists?" we said, "yes." he said, "welcome to china" in a way that sounded both friendly and ominous. we just smiled and walked away. quickly.

the day i turned 31, we visited the sun and moon pagodas in guilin and went to an acrobat show (term used loosely).

the day i turned 31 we bought two pieces of individually wrapped cake and, after 15 minutes of gesturing to communicate that we wanted them for takeaway (we finally resorted to pointing to the phrase in our mandarin-english phrase book) we took them back to our hotel room and celebrated. we even splurged on a soda from the minibar.

the thing i learned this year is that even the worst most hard and horrible thing i can imagine, if it happens, can be endured and, actually, endured well. my goal for the next year is to avoid living in fear of the next worst most hard and horrible thing that might be around the corner and instead enjoy the wonderful, happy and good things that make up the bulk of my life. realistically speaking, bad and hard things are inevitable. so really there is no sense in being worried about and braced against them all the time. especially because good things are inevitable, too. and i certainly have been blessed with more than my fair share of those.

one year.

today it is one year since briana died.

a few weeks ago, on good friday as a matter of fact, i missed her so badly and had so much sadness that i didn't even know where to put it, and so it came spilling out of my eyes in great big tears as i was driving home from work. thinking about her hurt that day.

but today i woke up and i felt so happy and peaceful and calm. it was raining, like it was on the day she died, and it felt just right somehow, cozy and familiar.

it was a year ago that holly called me and told me. something had happened. there was an accident. briana was gone. i heard her but i couldn't understand what it meant. all i knew was that i couldn't repeat the words, out loud or in my head, without breaking down to cry.

i felt alone and far away from so many people who knew and loved her-- and me-- the best. and so to make some sense of it all, to wrap my head around something that i could dissect and analyze, i became obsessed with the details. the roads were wet. the car swerved. but why? they weren't wearing their seatbelts. but why? how did the car roll? where did it land? i read every article, every blog, watched every news report, looked at every picture.

had she been afraid? had she suffered? i worried.

and i worried for myself, too. i have not had many chances in my life, thankfully, to learn the language of grief and loss. was i doing it right? mourning enough? too much? in the right way? i wanted briana to come to me somehow, maybe in a dream or just in a thought, and tell me i was doing OK, tell me that she remembered me, that she missed me as much as i miss her.

lately, though, i have felt that there's no reason for her to tell me something i already know and believe in my heart. of course she remembers me, the thought comes. but she's much too busy to take the time to tell me that when i don't need to be reminded and there are so many other things going on over on the other side.

and so today i woke up and i felt happy and peaceful and calm. it was raining, like it was on the day she died, and it felt just right somehow, cozy and familiar. i put on a big sweater, and treated myself to a morning hot chocolate.

and tonight i baked lemon bars and filled a bowl with fresh, delicious berries, and gathered around me the women friends who have meant the most to me in my life here, who have inspired me and forgiven me and served me and loved me and it didn't matter whether they had known bri or not. it was universal sisterhood in action. we sewed and ate and laughed and i told a few stories and it was just the way i wanted to spend tonight. i can't think of a more perfect way to remember dear, sweet, beloved briana. and i think she probably took a few minutes out of her eternal day to join us.

everyone's a critic

i am coming to what i hope is the end of a body obsession/dissatisfaction phase. i have been conscious of my body in all the wrong ways, fixating on every little thing that seemed different or imperfect, and all for no reason that i can articulate. it has not been fun. and, as a person who has never really had sustained body issues before, it's been disconcerting to suddenly feel like an enemy to my own body.

one silver lining has been that, in examining why i might be having these unfamiliar body-related feelings, i've identified some bad habits i'd like to get rid of and some good habits i'd like to cultivate. i take the stairs at least once a day instead of the elevator now, i am consciously avoiding mindless eating at my desk during the workday, and AWD and i have been pretty consistent about exercising together with our new community center memberships. it feels really invigorating to be reminded that i can control my choices and make positive changes. even if my body doesn't look any different, i feel different and that counts for something. actually, i think it counts for a lot.

like this whole one-month-with-no-sugar thing that we've been doing. (never mind that we are counting the minutes until it's over.) it has taken a lot of discipline and self-control and will power and self-denial and it feels really, really awesome that we did it. (almost. three more days!) i feel like the master of my own fate and that is a feeling i like to have.

but i have also made another discovery. i realized that i am infinitely more critical of my body when i am being critical of other people's bodies. whether i am comparing myself thinking i am better or comparing myself thinking i am worse, it is all-around damaging.

criticism, and not just about bodies, is one of my more unfortunate character flaws, and my attention has recently been turned to how unattractive and unhelpful it really is. i think sometimes i make a (mild) criticism to be funny or maybe to establish some common ground with someone, sort of like a wink-wink, nudge-nudge, you see what i see, right? kind of thing. but in the context of my body obsession phase the consequences of this have become a little more clear to me, and i don't like what i see.

when i criticize myself, i erode my confidence and i deny myself feelings of gratitude for my gifts, talents and abilities. and when i criticize others, even just inside my head, i erode their trust, limit my ability to fully accept what they are giving me or teaching me, and deny myself feelings of gratitude for those things.

and so, i am going to try to be a little better, to have kinder words and kinder thoughts for myself and for others. i mean, if i can go a whole month without eating cupcakes, i can do this, right? because, though my stint with unhealthy body obsession is (hopefully) behind me, i feel like its lessons are just beginning.

the corporate crusade

i had my second social media class at georgetown yesterday, and i am pleased to say it went a lot better than the first one.

(they like me! they really like me!)

as i was listening to the teacher, though, i realized something that i wasn't expecting. this was a woman who found an industry she loved (space) and a place for herself in that industry (social media at NASA) and she is all kinds of successful at what she does as a result. i have always really admired women like that and have always believed that, to some extent, i have what it takes to be like them. or, at the very least i have always wanted to be one of them and imagined how that would look for me. i like the idea of the trendy suits and the presenting at conferences and the being in charge and the corporate crusader.

but the more i glimpse what that really means, the more ambiguous i feel about it. by her own admission, this woman'e job was her life. and not just her job-job, but also the things that come along with being so good at her job, like speaking at conferences and hosting events and teaching classes for people like me. and actually, all that traveling and in and out and back and forth and work and work and work even when you're not physically at work, is not entirely appealing to me after all.

and so i started thinking about where it is that i really want to make a difference. i always assumed it would be through my job, but now i am not so sure. maybe because, while i think i have found my skill, i don't think i have found the job or the industry where i can put that skill to use in a passionate way. but maybe because i can project myself into the future in more ways than i used to be able to. whereas before it seemed that my job was the only place for me to make a mark, now i am rethinking my options.

the good news is, i feel OK with a little bit of ambiguity. i find that the more i live my life and see lots of different choices and options in play around me, the less militant i am about things that are probably less absolute than i made them out to be. (and the more absolute i become about the things that really are.) and i think that's a good thing. maybe my corporate crusading is yet to come. who knows? but i'm happy to know that my life won't be over if it isn't.

a supposedly fun thing i'll never do again.

i started out this weekend (last weekend? already?) feeling a little apocalyptic.

my friday work day started off on bad note, plus it was gray and rainy and i was tired. i spent my free time reading gloomy articles about how rents and gas prices are only go to keep going up, which was a big mistake. i spent my other free time looking up thigh and hip exercises, which just made me depressed about my body in an unhelpful and self-obsessed way.

so, by the time i burned our dinner onto the bottom of my brand-new, just-out-of-the-box le creuset dutch oven, i was pretty primed for a break-down.

luckily for me (though somewhat unfortunately for him), AWD has become quite adept and handling these episodes and by saturday morning i was feeling back to my normal self.

which meant i could enjoy blue-bucks and crab cake benedict at eastern market, plus a stroll around capitol hill with dana. we went to see "hugo" with the murffs and i loved it more than i have loved a movie in a long time. we did some organizing and cleaning around the house, which felt really cathartic and nice. we took a bright, sunny walk around the neighborhood and had a delicious sunday dinner with emma and eric.

and today there was still daylight outside when i left work, so this week is already in a much better place at the start than last week was at the end. whew.

teenage dream

i am taking a social media certification course at georgetown university and today was my first class. and let me tell you something, it might as well have been my first day in seventh grade for how nervous and insecure i felt.

i guess it goes to show you can take the girl out of awkward tween but you can't take the awkward tween out of the girl. or something.

i was so worried about saying the wrong thing, and about whether the cool kids would like me. and it didn't help that i am so overwhelmed and, frankly confused, by all these crazy, new-fangled social media platforms (mashable? gov loop? four square? what?!?) but i am a grown-up professional woman for sobbing out loud. it was a little ridiculous.

and the whole time i felt like just standing up and shouting: i am cool! like me! i am not the tongue-tied weirdo that i appear to be! give me a chance! please?!?

remember how i said it was a little ridiculous? well, it was.

i've often wondered if we ever outgrow the trauma of our own childhoods rejections, real or perceived. after today, i think the answer is no. but i also think that might be OK.

and i think i can win those cool kids over eventually.

obsession session

basically i am obsessed with the following things:

1. the kim kardashian divorce. i simply cannot get enough. i am reading everything i can find, mostly because i still can't even understand how the whole thing happened. and now i learn that she flew to minnesota to meet with poor kris humphries and the pastor who married them so everyone could get some "closure." i am more confused than ever. the good news is, AWD and i only have to stay married until november 22nd to beat their record. i totally think we can do it.

2. herman cain. it just keeps getting better. or worse. i can't decide which. depends on your outlook, i suppose. i am enjoying watching him squirm, but i feel like he should be squirming more and i'm disturbed out how little he and other people seem to be worried about these allegations. do people not take sexual harassment seriously anymore? (this very well-written article seems to think they don't. i am starting to agree.)

3. advent calendars. i really want to make an advent calendar this year. i have been trolling the internet looking for ideas. i want it to look good but not be too hard but be nice enough to be able to use it year after year. and it needs to be done by december 1st. i am leaning towards some version of this one. we'll see.

4. menu planning. in addition to the failed goal (my fault) of commuting to work together, AWD and i also made a goal to cook our meals at home as much as possible and to take our lunches to work. we're doing pretty well and it's actually really fun. i like pulling out our big stack of cookbooks every saturday or sunday and making a plan for the week ahead. and we've made some really delicious things. (remember the homemade corn dogs?) tonight is turkey chili and corn bread muffins. yum.

5. the lost city of z. i am currently reading this book all about percy fawcett a british explorer who disappeared in the amazon in the early 1900s and all the other explorers who have ventured in after him to try and figure out what happened. from what i can tell, not all of them made it out either. such an interesting read. i would read it all day every day if i could. but i can't.

6. furniture browsing. we are slowly but surely putting together out little nest, and for the first time in my life pretty much i am paying attention to furniture. one of the lovely things about marriage is a sense of permanence about these kinds of things. i know i am not going to buy something i really love and then have to get rid of it or put it in storage because i moved in with roommates who already had one of those. it's a nice feeling.

and that's pretty much what's taking up my time these days.

how about you, my babies?

the final countdown

exactly one month from today i will be a married lady.

if that sounds impossible to you, don't worry about it. it does to me, too.

i have been reflecting a lot on my rapidly disappearing single days and years lately, putting my experiences in their proper place and perspective, packing them up to bring them with me on my next adventure.

there is lots to share, and hopefully i'll get to it all. but tonight i would like to share this.

a few months ago AWD and i were talking to a church-related grown-up who shall remain nameless and, after congratulating us on our engagement (which was still fairly new at the time) he looked at me and said, "kind of makes all that time seem worth it, eh?"

and because i couldn't believe that he had just said something like that, i didn't really have a very good response. i think i sputtered out something like, "it didn't actually feel that long." which is true (for the most part), but it's still not a very good response.

what i should have said (and what i will say if anyone ever says that to me again, mark my words!) is that "all that time" would have been worth it whether i had met and fallen in love with and gotten engaged to and eventually married AWD or not. my single years don't retroactively have meaning and value just because he came along and put an end to them.

which isn't to say i am not terribly glad that he did.

but i am also confident that i would have found ways to be terribly happy even if he hadn't.

the fact is, i have carefully reviewed the past many years of my life, searching and scouring and turning over stones and demanding honesty from myself and my emotions and my conclusion is that i do not regret a single moment of it. i wouldn't change a single thing. it was worth it then, it's worth it now and it will be worth it forever independent of anything and anyone else.

and i feel really good about that.

in particular, i have been turning over this idea in my mind.

i feel like a lot of mormon women who are "older" when they get married say things like, "i wish i hadn't spent so much time worrying about getting married when i was single!" which is a pretty easy thing to say when you have come to the end of the tunnel and you don't have to worry about that anymore, and it always seemed a little silly to me.

of course, there was no way to know then how i would feel about the same thing now, but since i am not really one for suspending judgement, i didn't.

and now that it's now i can honestly say that i wouldn't change a thing, including the time i spent worrying and wondering and crying and pleading and hoping and losing hope and finding it again.

i wouldn't trade it and i don't regret it because i didn't know then what i know now.

and, more importantly, it is part of my experience and my experience is part of me. and more importantly than that, it is a part of my experience that forced me expose my vulnerabilities, confront my insecurities and learn how to trust heavenly father and jesus christ in new and more powerful and personal ways.

in short, faith is never wasted. it is often the struggle that matters oh-so-much-more than the outcome. and my struggle gave me faith. a faith that i am so grateful to be able to carry forward, packed away with all my other lessons and experiences, ready for the next adventure.

crooked teeth

i went to the dentist a couple of weeks ago for the first time in six years.

and yes, i know that is 12 times longer than i should have waited.

judge away.

i mean, i could make up a bunch of excuses like that i was poor and i didn't have dental insurance and then i didn't know how to use my dental insurance and then i was too scared to go because i was pretty sure it was going to be big, bad news.

but i won't.

instead i'll tell you that, for six years of no professional dental intervention, it went pretty well.

hurrah!

i had a cracked filling that needed to be fixed (didn't even know i had that filling, so oops there i guess.) and then i went back today for a second filling. they also filed down my first filling because my jaw was closing all wonky and crooked and giving me headaches.

my face only stayed numb for about five hours each time. it's cool.

the most important news is, major dental catastrophe averted.

i celebrated by eating jelly beans.

and scheduling a cleaning for october.

never say never

something happened to me yesterday and there is no good (as in non-embarrassing) way to explain it so i am just going to come right out and tell you the truth.

i spent the whole day yesterday listening to justin bieber.

then smack and i watched this week's episode of "glee" with sam evans and his one-man band, the justin bieber experience.

then i made smack watch the music video for "baby" while i sang along and attempted the dance moves.

(sidenote: they are harder than they look.)

then i made AWD watch all the bieber music videos we could find on youtube while i sang along and attempted the dance moves.

(sidenote: they were still hard.)

(sidenote: AWD still likes me.)

i woke up this morning with that same pit of shame in my stomach similar to the kind i assume people feel after a one-night stand or a dog fight.

and yet, i still hear the siren call.

baby...

baby...

baby...

someone help me.

please.

harvest home

we had a simply lovely thanksgiving here, and i hope you did as well.

EH and i (mostly EH though, lets be honest) managed to pull of an honest-to-goodness thanksgiving feast. we even cooked a turkey all by our little selves. and there was stuffing and pies and macaroni and cheese and mashed potatoes and brussel sprouts with bacon and grilled apples and homemade ice cream. plus a gorgeous table and a house filled with people i love. which was most definitely the very best part.

when we were done eating ourselves silly, we went around the table and each said something we were thankful for. and i don't think it's fair that you should miss out, just because you weren't here, so i am going to tell you what i am thankful for, too.

it is this.

right now, at this very moment, there is not one thing about my life that i would change.

and for a person who worries, oh, let's say all the time, this is no small thing. for the first time in a long time i am not consumed with wondering what is going to happen next and how i am going to get myself there. i don't wake up in the morning feeling panicked about whether i am in the right place, doing the right things to move myself to the next right phase.

instead i wake up every morning in a house i love, and drive to a job i enjoy and feel good at, and then come home and spend time doing things i like with people i adore. i don't feel complacent, but i feel content and at peace with the choices i have made and the place they have brought me.

and that is something to be thankful for, indeed.

(i am also thankful for days' and days' worth of delicious leftovers, which you are welcome to come and share with me any time. seriously. please?)

happy is the heart

{image via jake's new blog}


i have, for several weeks now, been wanting to write a recap post about my 28th birthday goal to fall in love. i've started and stopped a dozen drafts and imagined a dozen more and none of them have felt or sounded right to me. they are either too much or too little or don't ring true enough or tell just a little too much truth and i guess ultimately this is what i get for a) making a goal like "fall in love" in the first place and b) putting that goal on the internet.

i know i want to say something, though, because i think falling in love is good and important and i think that being able to fall in love makes us better, stronger, happier people in the end. so i decided to take it back to the basics and leave it at that.

one. i believe in love. i believe that it happens.

two. i know that we survive when, for whetever reason, love doesn't happen the way we wished and hoped it would have.

three. love is a choice. i choose to open my heart to experiences and people and relationships that will lead me to love, or i don't. the end.

four. i want to always choose love. even when it burns me. even when it hurts. even when i put it out and it doesn't come back to me. because i would rather love and lose bravely than be scared and never try.

five.the more i try, the better i get at love. it seems like the opposite should be true, and sometimes it feels like the opposite is true for a minute, but in the end loving some just makes me want to love more. which is good news because i like being a person who loves.

piano man

i can never remember if i am supposed to be embarrassed about liking billy joel, but this song started playing on my ipod while i was walking home from the metro tonight, and i decided that i don't care if i am supposed to be embarrassed or not. because it was just lovely.

i am a little embarrassed that the best version of it i could find on youtube was this one, but you can't win them all.

oh, fine. i'll admit it. i sort of like "13 going on 30," too.

and wiser, too

this morning i woke up and i was 29 years old.

this morning i put on my favorite ruffle-skirted dress and yellow shoes to celebrate.

this morning EH left me a plate of the most divine donuts i have ever tasted for breakfast.

and then i was flooded all day long with phone calls and e-mails and facebook messages and cards and letters from people who i love. if i could choose only one blessing to keep from my abundantly blessed life, it would be my people. i am blessed with such good people who make my life happy and special and full every single day.

if i could choose to keep two blessings from my abundantly blessed life, they would be my people and my cheekbones. but, i don't want to be too greedy.

this afternoon, i changed into these clothes...

... and did a little hip hop dance performance for my co-workers. because on a day when i receive so much, i like to give back a little, too. turns out, it's taken me three hour-long classes to master one minute worth of dance moves. but, it is a pretty bodacious minute if i do say so myself. i have a video, but i am performing again at my birthday party talent show tomorrow and i don't want to spoil the surprise for anyone. so you'll just have to wait on that.

this evening EH and i went out for some delicious sushi and now here i am, sitting in my cozy house, curled up with my sleek, stealthy stella, reflecting on another year when i got more than i ever could have asked for and certainly more than i could ever hope to deserve.

i had high hopes to lead up to today with some reflections on a few of my remaining 28 goals. but i think we can all see that didn't happen. so, i will have to do that reflecting later. i actually still have a few of those left over (there are sooo many smithsonians!), so i'll carry them with me into 29. and i have started so many things (sewing! dancing! cooking at home!) that i can't wait to keep doing forevermore.

as for this year, i decided to take it back down to the basics. well, first i thought about making one of those "30 things to do before i'm 30" lists. but then i got tired. so then i decided to take it back to the basics. one thing i've learned this year, and one goal for my next year.

here is what i have learned. and when i say that i learned it, what i mean is that i understand it for the first time, and believe it in a truly full way that has already changed my life. it is this.

it is possible to put our lives in the hands of the lord.

and when we do, he will take them and guide them. he will give us little promptings, small pieces of guidance along the way. and then he will let us do our best. and then he will make our best better. and then he will shine the light a little bit further out. and we will feel such peace and comfort. and we will feel that peace and comfort even when the things we were working for do not come. and we will feel that peace and comfort even when what happens and what we wanted to happen, what we hoped for so hard, are two very, very different things. when we have done what the lord has asked of us, when we have made him a part of our lives from the very beginning, when we have done it his way from the start, our confidence is pure and our peace is assured. even when nothing looks right to us, we can know that it is right in the sight of the lord, and that he will help us see it for what it really is.

i can't even tell you in words how deeply i know that this is true, how deeply i have learned this. i learned it because i lived it for what i really think is the first time. i could not have wished to learn anything better.

and my goal. this year i want to be a better friend. a better neighbor. a better community member. a better sister in the gospel. i want to keep plans, remember birthdays, return phone calls, make phone calls, give service, drop by because i felt like i should, send cards and letters and e-mails, know about people's lives from what they say and from what they don't say. i feel like for the last year or so i have been so focused on myself and rebuilding my new life in a new place that i have taken more than i have given and i would like to change that dynamic. starting now.

that plus my leftovers from 28. (i'm looking at you, perfectly fitting jeans!) so i've got my work cut out for me. but 29 is going to be just fine.

smarty pants

earlier this week i had dinner with a bunch of really smart people.

sometimes i do pretty well in that particular situation, but this time it was a disaster. i just felt so out of it and non-interesting and un-smart and ended up hiding the whole night behind a diet coke with lime and a few lame jokes.

blech.

and then, the next day, i went to pick up my mail at uncle bob's and this is pretty much all that was waiting for me.





and then last night i read a few pages of this before i went to bed.



and then i thought, maybe that explains it?

fang-tastic

where were you at 12:01 on tuesday night/wednesday morning?

because smack and i were at the midnight premiere of "eclipse" in a theater that was not nearly as full of screaming 13-year-olds as i had hoped.

but, no matter. because i am going to say this about "eclipse."

it was uh-mazing.

so good.

i loved it.

smack loved it.

i clapped at the end until she made me stop. (because everyone else had already stopped, but whatevs.)

no joke.

it was way better than the second one (like, waaaay) and at least as good as the first one. the acting is better (no more pained looks and fidgeting), the script was funny (on purpose) and i don't remember any completely ridiculous lines (see: the "hold on spider monkey" atrocity), the hair and make-up is better (the vampires look significantly less ridiculous, including when they sparkle in the sun), jasper has a southern accent, edward cullen is somehow dreamier than ever (who knew it was even possible?) and hello, jacob black and his abs. yum.

oh, and also there is more kissing.

i love kissing.

plus a really rad fight scene at the end.

and so, as usual, i find myself in the somewhat embarassing position of being a fan of something i should be mocking. and i have nothing to say for myself. nothing at all.

except that you should go see "eclipse." like now.

in and out: a review

i was over at segullah this weekend, posting about the inner vessel and the outer vessel and consumerism and wearing sweatpants to target and, well, as you can probably tell it was all a bit of a jumble, but feel free to have a read.

and despite the fact that i wasn't quite sure what i was trying to get around to, not to mention how i was going to get around to it, i was so inspired by the (cyber)conversation that resulted from that post.

ultimately, i think my point was (is) this. it's OK to want to look nice and to spend time and even money on your appearance, especially if it makes you feel better and act better. but there has to be a balance in all things, and if we are focusing on our outer selves so much that our inner selves are neglected, then the (metaphoric) scales are not tipping in the right direction.

as one commenter said, "i suppose it would be helpful to... ask ourselves something like, 'is my confidence based on knowing i’m a daughter of God, or because i look really awesome in these great jeans?' i love my well fitted jeans, but if that’s where my confidence lies, there’s a problem."

i also loved this idea that maybe instead of judging people based on what we perceive as a sloppy or unkempt appearance, we should pay more attention to what that appearance is telling us about the needs of one of our sisters: "our environment, our own personal physical environment, does effect how we feel and communicates something about what is going on inside. even when you run to target in sweats to get a baby’s Rx you’re communicating that through your harried look, sweatpants, and screaming baby in tow. if we recognized the hidden messages people send out in these ways we would be better able to reach out and serve them."

but really, it was the message that we shouldn't be judging each other at all that came out to me most strongly. i don't want to be dismissed as shallow or irresponsible or haughty because i feel better with an expensive haircut and a cute outfit. so how can i possibly feel OK about dismissing someone as lazy or insecure or indifferent because she prefers a ponytail and sweats?

or, as this commenter said, "i have a lot of sympathy for women who’d rather not be caught wearing sweat pants to target, but no admiration for women who criticize other women for doing so."

amen.

because ultimately the story told in our eyes and on our faces, and the reflection of our heavenly father and savior's love in our countenances is the best accessory we can have.

what are your thoughts on the topic?

baby got (my) back

well kids, it's been a long, hard week. i feel tired in every way that a person can be tired. i came home from work today and slept for almost three hours because i did not have the energy, physical, emotional or otherwise, to do anything else.

in a word, i am spent.

but here is the good news. the fries and milkshakes at elevation burger are delicious, as emily h. and i discovered this evening, and they can cure almost any ill. as can a good laugh with a good, good friend.

more good news is that michelle, one of my dearest and most favorite mission companions, is coming to visit tomorrow and i cannot wait to see her and soak up her good vibes. we are going to eat good food and sew and run errands like crazy so that, by some miracle, i will be ready to leave for australia on tuesday. (tuesday!)

(tuesday!)

and maybe the best news of all is that, even though there are people out there who are only looking out for themselves, there are also people out there who are always looking out for you. i really believe that. at some point or another, all our backs need getting. and i am really grateful for the people who have mine.

hoodies are for kids

i threw my favorite hoodie on over my dress just now to sneak downstairs and grab a piece of pizza while aunt joyce was teaching her group flute lesson. i like to slip into the kitchen while the kids are busy fluting away, and then head back upstairs to my attic kingdom before anyone knows i was there.

but tonight my timing was a little off, and i was still polishing off a piece of lovely cheese pizza (just for me) (can you name that movie?) when the lesson ended and the kids came flooding into the kitchen for seconds.

no matter. i finished my dinner and made my departure as inconspicuously as possible. except that, as i passed a small cluster of tween girls sitting on the stairs, one of them said to the others, "my sister has that hoodie. only she's 17."

and it hit me. maybe i'm too old to be buying clothes in the kids' section of target?

say it ain't so.

a book by its cover

one time, my friend joel went on a rant about how people always say, "i am going to sushi," when in fact they are not "going to sushi," sushi being neither a verb nor a place, but rather going to eat sushi, and there is something about sushi that seems to invite this phenomenon when other food types do not. i mean, think about it. when is the last time you heard someone say, "i am going to lasagna." never, would be my guess.

so, it is with joel in mind that i tell you last night i went out for sushi with miss angela. it is important for you to understand that miss angela did not think she would like sushi. but then she tried it, and she did. and it is also important for you to understand that i did not think i would like miss angela. but then i tried her, and i did. i really did. (and don't worry, it's ok for me to put this on the internet because i already told her to her face. and that's my rule.)

to use angela's words themselves: "i don't look how i am."

indeed, you think you are getting one thing when in fact you are getting quite another, and i mean that in the best possible way.

(might i also add, goal #23, check.)

and so the old adage that we should not judge a book by its cover is proven (proved?) true once again. and once again i have been shamed for jumping too quickly to easy conclusions. the good news is, while i proved myself to be somewhat judgemental, i think i also proved myself willing to move past my first impressions. i discovered the error of my ways sooner rather than later, and that is is certainly a step in the right direction.

(and i will say here that i think it is in large part to goal #23, which i have always believed in, even when my dad said that making something unexpected a goal sort of takes the "unexpected" out of it. be that as it may, here we are.)

that said, though, i hope that i never have to write a post like this again.

though, on the other hand, there is something infinitely more exciting and fulfilling about finding a friend where you didn't think you would find one.

and, while i am just rambling on, i am going to go ahead and dump this can of worms right out. the fact of the matter is that we are all books with covers, and we are all judged by them to some extent, and while some of our covers might match out contents better than others, a cover can never tell the whole story.

por (a lame) ejemplo, i am consistently mistaken for a mac user, which i am not. what is that about? the shorter hair? the glasses? the clothes i wear? the fact that i reference "30 rock" approximately 1,000 times in a day? i have no idea.

like i said, lame example, but, i guess what i am getting at is, what happened to me and miss angela happens to all of us in some measure.

and that seems like a shame.

i guess one solution is to make our outsides match our insides better. but if that does not feel comfortable and self-honest, then it seems like a shame, too.

unfortunately, i have run out of any further insight on the topic, so i am just going to have to leave it there, but i turn the floor to you for any additional wisdom.

do we need to reconcile our covers to our books? (and why is that our covers don't always match our books in the first place?) or is there a way to avoid judging people on the outside at first? or is the solution to recognize that our first impressions could be wrong and get over them as quickly as possible? why do people say, "going to sushi" but not "going to" anything else? and seriously, are macs so much better?