happy is the heart

{image via jake's new blog}


i have, for several weeks now, been wanting to write a recap post about my 28th birthday goal to fall in love. i've started and stopped a dozen drafts and imagined a dozen more and none of them have felt or sounded right to me. they are either too much or too little or don't ring true enough or tell just a little too much truth and i guess ultimately this is what i get for a) making a goal like "fall in love" in the first place and b) putting that goal on the internet.

i know i want to say something, though, because i think falling in love is good and important and i think that being able to fall in love makes us better, stronger, happier people in the end. so i decided to take it back to the basics and leave it at that.

one. i believe in love. i believe that it happens.

two. i know that we survive when, for whetever reason, love doesn't happen the way we wished and hoped it would have.

three. love is a choice. i choose to open my heart to experiences and people and relationships that will lead me to love, or i don't. the end.

four. i want to always choose love. even when it burns me. even when it hurts. even when i put it out and it doesn't come back to me. because i would rather love and lose bravely than be scared and never try.

five.the more i try, the better i get at love. it seems like the opposite should be true, and sometimes it feels like the opposite is true for a minute, but in the end loving some just makes me want to love more. which is good news because i like being a person who loves.

goal tender

i am officially half-way through the year in which i will be 28. which is, technically speaking, my 29th year. which i have always found hopelessly confusing.

so, with half down and half to go, i thought i'd give a little status update on my 28 birthday goals. because i know you guys are really concerned about how things are going. well, comrades, rest easy! i would say things are going pretty well.

to wit.

1. pay off my student loan.
status: done, done and done.

2. read the book of mormon every day
status: trying hard. daily scripture study has always been a major stumbling block of mine and i am far from a perfect record this birthday year. but i find myself wanting to read the book of mormon more, which i figure is a good place to start. tips on developing better scripture reading habits are welcome.

3. do another 100-mile bike ride
status: committed. sallee and i are registered for the little red, though i am just going to come clean right now and tell you we probably won't make it the full 100 miles. well, sallee won't for sure since she will be delivering a baby at any moment (!!) and the ride is only two months away. and i seriously doubt i can pull off a century by myself. but, we are going back to the little red nonetheless. which has to count for something.

4. learn to surf.
status: done, done and done.

5. take a japanese class.
status: needs some work. i did pull out my old japanese grammar books, though. and have been gazing at them for a couple weeks now. serious study has yet to begin. but it will. so watch out, japanese. it's on.

6. take an art class.
status: searching.

7. send a letter once a week.
status: going strong. i would say this is one of my more successful goals, and has been one of the most fun. if you want a letter, drop your address in the comments section, or even better, send me a letter and i'll hit you back. because mail makes everyone smile.

8. visit every smithsonian museum (including the zoo)
status: on track. and this week has brought with it perfect zoo weather. three cheers for that.

9. grow something.
status: pending. there isn't really a spot at the bennett house, indoor or out, that gets enough light to make something grow, but it occurred to me the other day that jaron's back porch might be a perfect spot for a little herb garden. the ensuing conversation went like this:
me: can we grow some herbs on your back porch?
him: well, if you're thinking what i'm thinking, we can just get some heat lamps and grow them inside.
i talked him into basil and lavender instead.

10. start a new hobby/develop a new skill.
status: i killed it. i am on my second baby quilt (though sallee's baby frances will certainly join us before her finished blanket does) and i have a skirt in my sights for the next project. i wouldn't say that sewing counts as a skill yet, but i am definitely liking it more and more. my sewing machine just needs a name and the bonding will be complete.

11. fall in love.
status: mind your business. just kidding. i have fallen in love with all kinds of things so far, including cupcakes from baked and wired, the tv show "glee," my new job, and cherry blossom season in d.c. so there.

12. attend the temple once a month.
status: doing it! and loving it.

13. make a home cooked meal once a week.
status: not great. i'll leave it at that. and try to do better. (does eating oreos at home, at dinnertime count?)

14. celebrate new year's eve in times square.
status: stricken from the record. the more i thought about it, the more i really wanted to spend as much time at home this christmas season as i could. so, i spent new year's eve in downtown denver. which was wonderful and just what i wanted. this goal needs to be replaced though, or else i am a total fraud. suggestions welcome.

15. make a micro-loan.
status: why have i not done this yet? i am going to do it as soon as i finish typing this post. i guess i could do it now, but multi-tasking is not my thing.

16. find a family history name for temple work.
status: haven't started yet, but i have six more months!

17. finish my mission scrapbook.
status: not even close. i don't want to talk about it, actually.

18. buy a nice pair of jeans that fits perfectly.
status: i am emotionally preparing myself for this one. i think i'll be ready soon.

19. take a trip outside the country.
status: remember that time i went to australia?

20. visit somewhere in the country i have never been.
status: covered, thanks to lancaster county, PA and colonial williamsburg. i am also hoping to make it to philly and austin before september, and i am scheduled to visit kate and baby harry in kalamazoo next month, so i would say i have this one pretty well taken care of.

21. learn to cook something from a julia child cookbook.
status: i'll get to it.

22. learn how to drive to at least one place in d.c. without my gps.
status: depends on what you count as "d.c." i can find my way around arlington pretty well, but driving in the city still gives me a headache. though riding the metro during tourist season also gives me a headache, so we'll see what headache wins out.

23. make an unexpected friend.
status: done, done and done.

24. revive frances cake.
status: resucitation under way. adangerm and i had a good frances cake meeting a while back, but i have yet to reintroduce it with any consistency. i have been thinking, though, that this might not be the time and season for frances cake. its purpose might have been served. i am going to think more on this.

25. revive documentary movie night.
status: LK and i are working on this. working hard.

26. when an idea pops into my head, like to call someone just to see how they are doing, do it right then that second instead of feeling sorry later that i didn't follow through.
status: slightly above average. i have really been trying on this one, and it has been really cool when i've actually followed through, but i think i could still be a lot more aware.

27. sing more.
status: does the shower count?

28. find somewhere to volunteer.
status: on board. literally. i am on the board of the press institute. you should make a goal to check it out. because it's pretty rad.

whew.

(why did i make all those goals?)

there are some obvious shortcomings (most of them involving the kitchen, for reasons i don't think are coincidental), but i would say things in the 28 goals department are going pretty well.

you can breathe a sigh of relief, now. and so can i.

surfer, dude

the trip down under obviously satisfied the annual goal to take a trip out of the country but it also allowed me to knock another goal off my list.

that's right, kids. i learned to surf.

as in, in approximately 20 attempts, i actually stood up on a surf board five times and rode it all the way in.

feel free to be massively impressed. at the very least, you might consider uttering a very aussie-like, "good on ya!"

in the interest of full disclosure, i will confess that i was completely and totally exhausted at the end of a two hour surfing lesson on sydney's manly beach. you might not know this from watching matthew mcconaughey do it (since it is fairly safe to assume that anything he does can't be that hard), but surfing is no joke.

for one thing, my board was enormous. i pointed this out to the instructor, rob, and he responded, "the bigger the better. trust me," which he somehow managed to say in a totally non-creepy way. but seriously. i couldn't even get my arms around the board to carry it into the surf.

and then, of course, there is the issue of pushing the board through all that incoming water to get it to a spot where the waves are good. (the waves are sweet? gnarly? wicked? i don't quite have the lingo down.) you feel like you've been pushing your way out for ages only to turn around and discover you are still standing on the beach. practically.

and then, naturally, you have to get yourself on the board, on your stomach, paddle like mad, basically do a push-up to launch yourself into a squatting position and then attempt the greatest feat of balance ever known to man.

in five seconds.

while looking all hip and relaxed.

but, i did it.

five times.

and drank approximately 137 gallons of sea water during all my other attempts.

as i think should be pretty obvious from my totally awesome stance, though, i am well on my way to the intermediate level at least. maybe more.





surfing, i think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

a book by its cover

one time, my friend joel went on a rant about how people always say, "i am going to sushi," when in fact they are not "going to sushi," sushi being neither a verb nor a place, but rather going to eat sushi, and there is something about sushi that seems to invite this phenomenon when other food types do not. i mean, think about it. when is the last time you heard someone say, "i am going to lasagna." never, would be my guess.

so, it is with joel in mind that i tell you last night i went out for sushi with miss angela. it is important for you to understand that miss angela did not think she would like sushi. but then she tried it, and she did. and it is also important for you to understand that i did not think i would like miss angela. but then i tried her, and i did. i really did. (and don't worry, it's ok for me to put this on the internet because i already told her to her face. and that's my rule.)

to use angela's words themselves: "i don't look how i am."

indeed, you think you are getting one thing when in fact you are getting quite another, and i mean that in the best possible way.

(might i also add, goal #23, check.)

and so the old adage that we should not judge a book by its cover is proven (proved?) true once again. and once again i have been shamed for jumping too quickly to easy conclusions. the good news is, while i proved myself to be somewhat judgemental, i think i also proved myself willing to move past my first impressions. i discovered the error of my ways sooner rather than later, and that is is certainly a step in the right direction.

(and i will say here that i think it is in large part to goal #23, which i have always believed in, even when my dad said that making something unexpected a goal sort of takes the "unexpected" out of it. be that as it may, here we are.)

that said, though, i hope that i never have to write a post like this again.

though, on the other hand, there is something infinitely more exciting and fulfilling about finding a friend where you didn't think you would find one.

and, while i am just rambling on, i am going to go ahead and dump this can of worms right out. the fact of the matter is that we are all books with covers, and we are all judged by them to some extent, and while some of our covers might match out contents better than others, a cover can never tell the whole story.

por (a lame) ejemplo, i am consistently mistaken for a mac user, which i am not. what is that about? the shorter hair? the glasses? the clothes i wear? the fact that i reference "30 rock" approximately 1,000 times in a day? i have no idea.

like i said, lame example, but, i guess what i am getting at is, what happened to me and miss angela happens to all of us in some measure.

and that seems like a shame.

i guess one solution is to make our outsides match our insides better. but if that does not feel comfortable and self-honest, then it seems like a shame, too.

unfortunately, i have run out of any further insight on the topic, so i am just going to have to leave it there, but i turn the floor to you for any additional wisdom.

do we need to reconcile our covers to our books? (and why is that our covers don't always match our books in the first place?) or is there a way to avoid judging people on the outside at first? or is the solution to recognize that our first impressions could be wrong and get over them as quickly as possible? why do people say, "going to sushi" but not "going to" anything else? and seriously, are macs so much better?

the never-ending story

i wanted to be a journalist ever since i had my first byline in the fifth grade. from that moment on, i could never imagine doing anything else.

being a journalist influenced almost every decision i made: what classes to take, what summer camps to go to, what books to read, what college to attend, what major to have, what people to admire, what internships to apply for.

my name in print, it was all i ever wanted. going to work every day at my first real job at a

big(ish) daily newspaper felt like a dream come true.

i wanted to be a journalist because i believe in the power of stories. i believe that stories can teach us. they can touch us. they can change us, hopefully for the better but sometimes for the worse.

when we know people's stories, i believe that we understand those people better. when we can tell our own stories, we find a firmer place to stand in our communities, our spheres, our identities.

stories are a way to get our heads around topics that are big, scary, controversial, easy to ignore. stories shed light. stories elicit action.

in short, stories make up our lives.

to tell people's stories, it was all i ever wanted. the chance to tell people's stories was a dream come true.

the one problem with dreams though is that they are, by definition, not always reality. and the journalism of my dreams did not account for industry instability, massive layoffs, constant worry, or the glenn beck takeover.

and so i felt in my heart that it was time to make a new dream, time to take what living my dream had taught me and put it somewhere else. it felt sad, but it felt right.

i still think of myself as a journalist, though. or at least as a storyteller. and i still believe that the best of my dream is true. i still believe that stories make people better, make governments more honest, make life more fair.

i still believe.

which is why i was over-the-moon thrilled when my friend, cristi, invited me to serve on the board of directors of her non-profit organization, the press institute. (goal #28, check!)

through the press institute, women and men around the world, from mexico to nepal to nigeria, are trained to tell the stories that matter most to them. they write about AIDS and poverty and human trafficking. they write about the triumph of decency and the human spirit. they develop skills that enrich their lives and earn money that supports their families.

stories are making their lives better.

and you can help make their lives better, too.

right now, any money donated to the press institute will be matched, dollar for dollar. your $10 becomes $20, your $20 becomes $40, your $50 becomes $100, and that can change someone's life.

at this christmas season especially, consider giving to the press institute in the name of a journalist you love. (like me!) i will personally send you a thank you card if you do. and if you need still more persuasion, check out this article, which argues (among other things) that charitable giving is the best form of gift giving.

because the only thing better than a good story is a happy ending, right?

this post has nothing whatsoever to do with food

documentary movie night has been resurrected! (see: goal #25). all it took was a trip to the movies last night with dana and sarah to see "good hair," hands done (heads up?) one of the most brilliant documentaries i have ever seen, in no small part because it features a lot of chris rock.

the film explores the role of hair in the african-american community, and it is not an insignificant one. even after such an education, i do not feel particularly qualified to pontificate about it on the interweb, not being a part of that community myself, but sufficeth to say that i think it all comes down to the all-too-natural inclination to be a "same" instead of an "other," and in the black community especially, that desire seems to express itself more than anything in hair.

to quote: "if your hair is relaxed, white people are relaxed. if it's nappy, they're not happy."

never mind that sodium hydroxide, the chemical used in relaxer, can eat through an aluminum can in about four hours. and never mind that a weave can cost as much as half a year's rent. and never mind that only a miniscule percentage of black hair care products are manufactured or distributed by black-owned businesses. (turns out koreans have cornered the market.) as the usually ridiculous reverend al sharpton put it surprisingly eloquently, some african americans are wearing their economic exploitation right on top of their heads.

(to which a woman in the audience let out a big, "mmm-hmmm." you know the kind.)

i find it difficult to believe that i haven't yet convinced you to see this movie, but if that is the case, this should do the trick.



and, to top it off (that was a sort of funny, sort of pun, right?), today i came across this article about some in the african-american community being upset that angelina jolie is not taking proper care of her african daughter, zahara's hair.

maybe angelina should watch "good hair"?

mr. zero

when i was eight or nine years old, my mother held a sealed envelope in front of my face and said, "this doesn't mean anything to you right now, but this is my last student loan payment."

and she was right. it didn't mean anything to me then.

but it's meant something to me every month for the past several years as i have slowly but surely paid off my own student loan. every time i submitted a payment i would think to myself, "man, i can't wait until the day when i can say, 'this is my last student loan payment.'" and i would also think to myself, "man, i hope i am not still paying this loan by the time i have a nine-year-old child."

dreaming about that last student loan payment month after month, i could taste the relief and freedom my mother must have felt with that envelope in her hand.

it was, i suspect, the same relief and freedom i felt today when i logged into my student loan account summary and saw this:

principal balance: $0.00
fixed payment: $0.00
current due: $0.00
past due: $0.00
late charges: $0.00
total due: $0.00

that's right, friends.

$0.00

six-and-a-half years out of school and my student loan is gone.

done.

paid off.

finito.

$0.00

(and turns out paying it off before i had a nine-year-old was a cinch. which might have less to do with my money management skills than other things, but i will leave that be. and if you want to stay my friend, you will, too.)

so that's one goal down. 27 to go.

they say it's your birthday

this is me today.

today i am 28 years old.

i would say the past year or so has been pretty good. i launched myself out of a plane, experienced life as a roadie, saw a wonder of the world, ran a board, voted for a winner, baked a lot of cakes, hiked mountains and national parks and, of course, made a big and scary and rewarding move to a big and scary and rewarding new city, where i have taken on a big and scary and rewarding new job, and made close personal friends with the president.

my birthday goal last year was to live a little more boldly and push a little closer and a little harder to the edge of my comfort and understanding. of course, that is something we should always be doing, but at the risk of committing a george w.-style faux pas i am going to say: mission accomplished!

and in the spirit of that goal, i decided to kick it up a notch for my birthday goal this year, so instead of one goal i made 28 goals. for 28 years. you guys are in charge of making sure i do them. so here they are. (in no particular order, other than the order in which they came into my head.)

1. pay off my student loan

2. read the book of mormon every day

3. do another 100-mile bike ride

4. learn to surf

5. take a japanese class

6. take an art class

7. send a letter once a week

8. visit every smithsonian museum (including the zoo)

9. grow something (like an herb garden. not like "a pair.")

10. start a new hobby/develop a new skill (i am leaning towards sewing, but am taking suggestions)

11. fall in love

12. attend the temple once a month

13. make a home cooked meal once a week

14. celebrate new year's eve in times square

15. make a micro-loan

16. find a family history name for temple work

17. finish my mission scrapbook

18. buy a nice pair of jeans that fits perfectly

19. take a trip outside the country

20. visit somewhere in the country i have never been

21. learn to cook something from a julia child cookbook

22. learn how to drive to at least one place in d.c. without using my gps

23. make an unexpected friend

24. revive frances cake

25. revive documentary movie night

26. when an idea pops into my head, like to call someone just to see how they are doing, do it right then that second instead of feeling sorry later that i didn't follow through

27. sing more often

28. find somewhere to volunteer

i would also like to learn to love the early morning and complete an olympic length triathlon, but i am not willing to be held accountable for either of those, so they're in reserve.

welcome to the party, 28. i think we'll get along just fine.