he is not here

yesterday i learned that one of my very most dear and very best friends, briana, died in a car accident.

today i celebrated and marveled at the resurrection and atonement of my savior jesus christ.

my heart is broken.

but my heart is hopeful.

i last talked to bri on monday, to tell her AWD and i were engaged. we made a plan to meet up for breakfast while AWD and i are in salt lake in a few weeks. it has been almost a year since i have seen her face-to-face. i couldn't wait.

but now i will have to wait a little while longer.

it still seems impossible to believe. impossible that she'll never meet AWD in this life, impossible that she won't be with us in person on the day we are married like i so hoped she would be. impossible that she won't deliver my babies like i always wanted her to, that i won't take my kids to visit her.

instead, i will tell my kids these stories.

about how once every six months or so, bri would get a craving for lemon bars that she couldn't shake until she made a batch and ate one. except that she could never eat just one and always ended up eating the whole pan. and then she would say, "i never want to see another lemon bar for as long as i live!" but then, six months later, she would.

or about how one day i came home and there was a sort of strange smell in the house and no one was home but the oven was on really low, and when i opened it up there was a placenta inside, drying out to be ground up into powder, put into capsules and delivered to one of bri's clients. it was the first time i had ever seen a placenta. it was kind of gross.

one of my favorite things to do on cold, wintery sunday mornings was to climb up the stairs and crawl into bed with bri until it was time to get up and get ready for church. we would talk and talk and i would doze off and we were always late on those mornings and it was always worth it. i am especially glad now that i didn't lose a single second.

and then there are the millions of little details that add up as a person becomes a part of you and your life. even these past few years, when we have been far away from each other, we've spent hours and hours on the phone, talking through the joys and sorrows and questions and answers and problems and solutions and epiphanies that make up our mortal experience.

even now all i want to do is call her, to talk to her about this, about her being gone, so we can figure out how to deal with it together. i am finding it difficult to deal with it on my own.

i am also going to tell my children this story.

that on the morning of the third day, mary went to the tomb and it was empty. and the angel said unto her, "why seek ye the living among the dead? he is not here, for he is risen, as he said."

and then i will tell them that i know that this is true. that the savior jesus christ rose on the third day and that through him we, too, can conquer death.

i will know it then as i feel it now, here in the space where the rubber meets the road and the substance of my faith matters. if there ever was a time when believing mattered, it is now.

and believe i do.

i believe that christ the lord rose from the grave, as he promised his disciples that he would.

i believe that because of the sacrifice and resurrection of the savior, we too can live again, forever with him and with one another.

i believe that families are eternal.

i believe that friendships are, too.

i believe that a loving heavenly father knows each of us, loves each of us, and takes care of each of us.

i believe that hard and painful and incomprehensible things happen to us here in mortality.

i know that the spirit of the lord can comfort us whether we understand our pain or not.

my heart is broken.

but my heart is hopeful.

as president thomas s. monson said, "in our hour of deepest sorrow, we can receive profound peace from the words of the angel that first easter morning: 'he is not here, for he is risen.'"

i know i am not alone when i say that my sorrow at this particular loss feels very deep indeed. and i think i will be sad for a long time. in fact, i think i will miss bri for my whole life. but i trust in the words of the angel, in the peace of the lord.

i trust in his plan.

and, above all, i trust him.