rolling on the river

a few years ago (i think it was two, but i can't be sure), in an attempt to make myself a more interesting and well-rounded person, i made a goal to tackle a bunch of things i had been putting off because of fear or insecurity, and dubbed the project "the year of frances." during that year i took a pottery class and a bread-making class, i got up on water skis for the first time, i took a trip to argentina by myself, i fell in love, i rode my first century, i switched jobs and accomplished a host of other impressive tasks.

i had such a good time becoming a better person that the concept of "the year of frances" has lived on. (i toyed with the idea of dubbing "the life of frances," but my parents thought that might be a little selfish and exclusionary.) this summer, which i think i might retroactively dub "the summer of adventure," has been particularly full of "year of frances"-style firsts, and this weekend saw another one. are you ready? can you guess?

here's a hint.



that's right! my first white water rafting trip!

heather found us a great day trip along the split mountain gorge section of the green river, starting in dinosaur national monument. all the work (including making a delicious lunch!) was handled by capable and affable river guides, and we were just along for the most delightful ride. also along for the fun was cousin bucky, relative to emdawg's finger-friend, ollie. cousin bucky is sure to be our companion on many adventures to come.




we headed down to vernal on friday night and the original plan involved camping, but the weather looked like this:




so we lucked out and "camped" on my cousin natalie's couches instead. which is my favorite kind of camping (the kind with a bathroom) so that worked out well. plus we got to watch the opening ceremonies of the olympics. that is not what this post is about, but they were ah-mazing.

we arrived at adrift adventures bright and early, were assured we would not die on the river (though we did have to sign a sort of scary release) and were fitted for life jackets and helmets. apparently, a life jacket fits best when it constricts all ability to breathe. also, life jackets and helmets are hot.







on our way to the put-in (that's the lingo for where you, well, put the boats into the water. i know. duh. but i wanted to sound in-the-know) we stopped in the monument for a quick hike up to some petroglyphs. i learned a few interesting facts that i can't remember now.









the interesting petroglyph facts don't really matter though (do they?) because the main event was the wild, untamed river! ok, actually, it wasn't that dramatic. but it was perfect for a first-timer like me. there were some pretty gnarly rapids where we got to use phrases like, "thread the needle" and shout "let's run it!" but there was also plenty of mellow water where we could jump out and swim, and enjoy the truly breathtaking scenery. we even pulled over to check out a bat-cave, though, luckily, the creatures kept to themselves.







we enjoyed delicious taco salad for lunch, while cousin bucky worked on his tan.





and we also made friends with our raft partners, an unbelievably nice family from upstate new york. the son, ben, has been living in colorado for the summer, working at a wildlife refuge, and his parents, jen and pete, had come out to visit him. they asked us all about ourselves and utah and told us all about their lives, and everyone laughed at all my jokes, which was a big plus.



our river guide, ian, was just as darling a river guide as anyone could ever hope for. his family actually used to own adrift adventures and he has been working as a river guide every summer since he was 16. when he's not guiding he studies geology in hawaii. i know, i know. let's all take a moment to feel sorry for him and his perfect life.

thanks to ian's skilled guiding, we arrived safe and whole at the end of the run. the day flew by and i was actually sad to see it come to an end.



cousin bucky was a little sad, too, what with all the attention he was getting from the ladies.



but the perfect day was far from over. stay tuned...

(that was my first cliff-hanger ending. how did i do?)

fedex frances: a flashback (and a lot of alliteration, too)

my dear and old friend, dr. siak (not his real name, but this one is a lot cooler, no?), just got engaged (that seems to be happening a lot lately), which is wonderful news for him and even better news for his betrothed, because we are all pretty sure the good doctor is going to be a tiger in the sack.

it is also wonderful news because it gives me an excuse to blog about one of my favorite life experiences, commonly referred to as "that one time i delivered packages for a day."

dr. siak, you see, brings happiness and love into the lives of others (at least the others in cottonwood heights) by delivering packages for fedex, which is all fine and good until you wake up one morning puking your guts out and can't do your route. that's when you call me and, since i only work a half-day on fridays (and this happened to be a friday), i offer to come meet you at your house (with some gatorade and saltines) and ride along with you, running the packages to the door while you slump over the wheel and try not to hurl.

seems like a pretty good plan, right? except that when i got to his house, it was pretty clear dr. siak was way too sick even to drive. he barfed in the bushes three times in the space of ten minutes. i felt so bad for him. it was also completely disgusting. anyway, siak's dad was there, too, and he came up with an alternate plan: papa siak and i would do the route ourselves! just the two of us! just the two of us who had only met once before, who knew nothing about each other and who were now about to spend ten-and-a-half hours together in a delivery van.

how could i say no?

now, let me paint the scene for you. papa and i were just in normal "street clothes," him in your usual dad-style khaki shorts and a polo, and i think i was wearing camo shorts and birkenstoks. no fancy fedex hats or shirts for us. oh, and did i mention that dr. siak's delivery van was in the shop that day so he had rented a penske van? you know, the yellow kind that people use to move? so, imagine a yellow penske van pulling up to your house, and a spry, khaki-clad grandpa springing out and running up to your doorstep, announcing he has a delivery from fedex. yeah. i think you can see what we were up against.

the first little while was a little rough. even with really detailed directions, we had close to no idea where we were going, and neither of us are super great with finding our way around unfamiliar territory. i did get to use my spanish a lot though, trying to figure out where in the hell we were and what way we should be headed. and let's not forget that papa siak and i were complete strangers, chilling in a delivery van together. it started out a little awkward, to say the least.

but, once we got the hang of the route, and each other, it wasn't so bad after all. we talked about military spending and women's roles and budgeting and family dynamics and we mastered the little package scanner and dr. siak called every hour or so to see how we were doing.

siak: how's it going, france?
(heave, heave)
me: good. don't worry about us.
siak: what are you and my dad talking about?
me: feminism.
siak: frances, please don't talk about that crap with my dad.
(heave, heave)
siak: i gotta go.

at some point in the conversation, it came out that papa siak, who is remarkably fit, teaches weight-lifting aerobic classes. a few minutes later, we drove past a gold's gym. and that's when this happened:

papa: oh! i am teaching a class at that gold's gym tomorrow morning.
me: how nice.
papa: have you ever gone to a gold's gym before?
me: no. i don't really work out in gyms.
papa: why not?
me: well, um, well, the thing is, well, it's just that i am sort of self-conscious about my body and i just, well, um, well, i just don't really like to work out in front of other people.
pause.
papa: frances.
pause.
papa: you have a very nice body.
pause.
papa: and i can say that. because i am a professional.

i don't think it is difficult to understand why this is one of my favorite conversations of all time.

the rest of the day was more of the same: we ate snacks, drank water (for papa) and diet coke (for me), got lost, got found, guessed house numbers, brought joy, coded packages, told funny stories and in general had a delightful time. until it was past 10 at night and we were still not all that close to being done. we hadn't started until one in the afternoon, you see. plus we were slow.

despite my pretty excessive whining and rapidly decreasing energy/ability to be pleasant, we decided to forge ahead and deliver every last package. although when papa rang a bell and a man answered the door in his pajamas, we decided maybe it would be better to just leave the packages on the doorstep from then on.

by 11:30p.m. or so, we were on the road home. i was exhausted, but also filled with that sense of awesomeness that comes from having worked really hard on behalf of someone else. papa siak was somehow still full of happy (annoying) energy. as we pulled off the freeway, he turned to me with a big smile on his face and said, "well, frances, i think it is safe to say that you and i are... intimate."

and so, to dr. and the soon-to-be mrs. siak: congratulations! may you be happy and intimate as well. just not with your dad.

so long, farewell...

in a sad but ultimately inevitable development, susan and jessica have left/are leaving us for grad school in california/a grown-up job in the district, which puts a big hole in my social calendar, not to mention my little heart. (too cheesy? get over it.)

the only silver lining is that their departure provided an opportunity for a good-bye dinner, which dave suggested should involve bad 80s prom attire secured from that bastion of thrift shopping, the d.i. i am not going to lie. i thought this was a weird idea and i wasn't that into it at first. i mean, at very first it sounds sort of funny (adults going in public in ugly clothes! how hilarious and deliciously unconcerned with social conventions!) but then when you are sitting on your couch getting ready to leave, it suddenly seems less appealing. that is until you finally break down and put on this over-sized piece of fashion heaven, after which you decide there is nothing you want to do more than wear it to the oasis cafe.




(i am not sure this picture does absolute justice. the skirt is sort of furry and has sparkles, and i practically had to walk sideways through doors to avoid disturbing the sleeves.)

everyone else was similarly, and delightfully attired, though i feel like mastermind dave got off a little easy with his suit coat, tie and cut-offs combo (though he did change his order so as not to order the same thing as me, because he knows it makes me insane when two people at the table order the same thing, and even though there is no good reason for that particular neuroses, he is nice enough to go along with it. so i guess i can't be too mean about his lame outfit).
















so, dinner was delicious and the funny clothes were funny, but the best part was celebrating susan and jessica, who have been such welcome additions to my life over the past year.

susan is kind and unflappable and it was truly a joy to live with her, especially when she joined me in "battlestar galactica" fanaticism. we also watched episodes of bad dance competition reality shows online ("dance war carry-ann vs. bruno" anyone?) and made a quiche with entirely local ingredients and also skipped work to watch "step up 2: the streets" in the movie theater. one time i verbalized a craving for sour patch kids (best.candy.ever) and the next day when i came home from work, a bag of them was waiting on my pillow. also, one time when ck said, "susan, can i use your bananas?" susan said, "sure! go bananas!" and that sort of encapsulates everything i love about her.

jessica (who we inherited from dana, who we inherited from the gods of interconnectedness) is that kind of friend you didn't realize you missed having until you have one. (stay with me.) she has an extraordinary ability to put everyone else's self-interest before her own, even when everyone else is annoying and less-than-deserving. she makes great vegan chili, loves sports and bad tv unabashedly (as should we all) and also opened up a lot of life-changing adventure to me this year, most notably the epic subway hike.

and so, dear friends, adieu. though hopefully not for long. because my new teal dress is pretty awesome, but not as awesome as you.

why, pretty much all the time, my mom is awesome

while riding in the car with my cousin's husband and her four-year-old son, the four-year-old turned to my mom and said: "i eat my boogers!"

without missing a beat, my mom replied: "well, everyone does. they just don't talk about it."

just a day

i went to work today without a bra. not on purpose. very much on accident. just to be clear.

i am, quite frankly, not exactly sure how it happened: i was in a hurry this morning. i laid my clothes out on my bed before i put them on instead of taking them directly from the closet as i usually do. i got dressed before i did my hair and make-up instead of after. there are lots of possible explanations. but whatever the reason, the result is the same. no bra for me.

the delicious twist to the story is that i was in a hurry this morning because i was taking my car to the mechanic to get the air conditioning looked at, which meant i had no car to drive myself home to get the bra once i realized it was missing. (on a much less hilarious side note, my air conditioning is going to cost $1600 to fix. i am not sure how i feel about this.)

now, given my aforementioned lack of bosoms, going braless is actually not that big of a deal. i just look more like a 12-year-old boy than usual. everyone in my office said you couldn't even tell. my mom said it's not as bad as the time she taught sunday school without a bra. my friend melissa said, "how could you forget a bra? haven't you been putting one on every day for years? unless you go commando a lot...?" (the answer, by the way, is no. i hate looking like a 12-year-old boy.) responses to my facebook status (it reads: "frances forgot a very critical piece of clothing when she left the house this morning. she'll let you guess which") ranged from my belt, to my earrings, to "probably not your leg warmers," to pants (i wore a dress today, or that could have been the winner), to a girdle, which was the closest.

but the winning answer is: my bra.

sometimes you just have a day. you know?

if you go to a wedding in portland...

... the manager at avis rental car will try to get you to upgrade to a cadillac or some kind of ostentatious convertible for just $15 more a day, but you will stick with a sensible hyundai sonata.

you will then drive that sensible hyundai sonata off the wrong exit and end up in a part of portland called "hollywood." and you will realize it is not the good kind of "hollywood." you will get lost again in downtown salem and then you will drive your sensible hyundai sonata the wrong way down a one-way street. but you will not get as lost as the reynolds family did with "efficiency-mode jim" behind the wheel. efficiency mode, by the way, is everyone's least favorite mode.

when you finally arrive safely at the salem house you will be shown to your room, where you will be sharing a queen size bed with kristin and sallee because there isn't enough room for everyone at the salem house. there was enough room for everyone at the newport beach house, but that was double booked. luckily, the salem house does have an enormous universal remote.



and also a cocomotion, my favorite hot chocolate mixing appliance, and probably yours, too.

the day before the wedding you will paint your nails and eat your weight in m&ms. you will also go into scenic "downtown" salem and get makeovers at the mall, and you will realize that sallee is one of the best friends ever because she says you can wear a big feather in your hair to the ceremony. later that afternoon you will avoid all human interaction to read everyone's favorite vampire romance novel, which joan skipped church to finish, which makes you feel slightly less pathetic. but only slightly.

and, after a day full of so much relaxing, you will fall asleep on the couch in the middle of dinner with the groom's family and kick morgan and maybe mumble incoherently, but not before you eat a lot more cake (correction: frosting) than you should have.

the wedding morning will dawn sunny and just the right temperature, and the bride will be totally calm and well-rested, which is sort of a miracle since you are sleeping three to a bed, after all. while everyone else is eating a leisurely breakfast and playing some sort of complicated-looking game, you will be buried again in the vampire romance (no judging!), but you pretend to be watching "night at the museum" with the kids. then you will ooh and ahh over the bride's hair, and be glad kristin was there to do it instead of you.









there are sure to be a few wardrobe concerns, and you'll panic a little when you put together the bridal bouquet, but everyone will make it to the temple on time even though tad has a highly suspect gps.




as far as wedding ceremonies go, it will be lovely, even though the sealer uses an analogy involving earthquake fatalities. you will cry. some people will get a little cranky during all the picture taking, but not too cranky because there are so many delicious snacks.



























you won't be there for the wedding night, obviously, but you assume that it will involve some of these little numbers...










since you're already in portland and you've never been before, you'll decide to spend the rest of the weekend with your mission president and his wife, who are delightful and kind and you'll talk about old mission times and they'll give you all kinds of priceless advice, and you'll only be a little creeped out when, in a discussion about body image (read: boobs), your mission president says, "more than a handful is a waste."

on a walking tour of downtown portland you will make a new friend,




and decide that it might not be such a bad place to live, if it came to that, and you will also find a great dress at a vintage store and a long-sought book at powell's bookstore.

then a week later you'll go to a reception in good ol' slc where you will pay tribute to the online beginnings of sallee and nathan's now-eternal union by singing a special rendition of the "i love technology" song from "napoleon dynamite." you will also get teary reading this tribute to love. and, after lots of really yummy mexican food and tres leches wedding cake, and after you ditch your heels (why do you always insist on wearing heels to garden dinners?)







you will decide that maybe weddings aren't so bad after all.