if you go to a wedding in portland...

... the manager at avis rental car will try to get you to upgrade to a cadillac or some kind of ostentatious convertible for just $15 more a day, but you will stick with a sensible hyundai sonata.

you will then drive that sensible hyundai sonata off the wrong exit and end up in a part of portland called "hollywood." and you will realize it is not the good kind of "hollywood." you will get lost again in downtown salem and then you will drive your sensible hyundai sonata the wrong way down a one-way street. but you will not get as lost as the reynolds family did with "efficiency-mode jim" behind the wheel. efficiency mode, by the way, is everyone's least favorite mode.

when you finally arrive safely at the salem house you will be shown to your room, where you will be sharing a queen size bed with kristin and sallee because there isn't enough room for everyone at the salem house. there was enough room for everyone at the newport beach house, but that was double booked. luckily, the salem house does have an enormous universal remote.



and also a cocomotion, my favorite hot chocolate mixing appliance, and probably yours, too.

the day before the wedding you will paint your nails and eat your weight in m&ms. you will also go into scenic "downtown" salem and get makeovers at the mall, and you will realize that sallee is one of the best friends ever because she says you can wear a big feather in your hair to the ceremony. later that afternoon you will avoid all human interaction to read everyone's favorite vampire romance novel, which joan skipped church to finish, which makes you feel slightly less pathetic. but only slightly.

and, after a day full of so much relaxing, you will fall asleep on the couch in the middle of dinner with the groom's family and kick morgan and maybe mumble incoherently, but not before you eat a lot more cake (correction: frosting) than you should have.

the wedding morning will dawn sunny and just the right temperature, and the bride will be totally calm and well-rested, which is sort of a miracle since you are sleeping three to a bed, after all. while everyone else is eating a leisurely breakfast and playing some sort of complicated-looking game, you will be buried again in the vampire romance (no judging!), but you pretend to be watching "night at the museum" with the kids. then you will ooh and ahh over the bride's hair, and be glad kristin was there to do it instead of you.









there are sure to be a few wardrobe concerns, and you'll panic a little when you put together the bridal bouquet, but everyone will make it to the temple on time even though tad has a highly suspect gps.




as far as wedding ceremonies go, it will be lovely, even though the sealer uses an analogy involving earthquake fatalities. you will cry. some people will get a little cranky during all the picture taking, but not too cranky because there are so many delicious snacks.



























you won't be there for the wedding night, obviously, but you assume that it will involve some of these little numbers...










since you're already in portland and you've never been before, you'll decide to spend the rest of the weekend with your mission president and his wife, who are delightful and kind and you'll talk about old mission times and they'll give you all kinds of priceless advice, and you'll only be a little creeped out when, in a discussion about body image (read: boobs), your mission president says, "more than a handful is a waste."

on a walking tour of downtown portland you will make a new friend,




and decide that it might not be such a bad place to live, if it came to that, and you will also find a great dress at a vintage store and a long-sought book at powell's bookstore.

then a week later you'll go to a reception in good ol' slc where you will pay tribute to the online beginnings of sallee and nathan's now-eternal union by singing a special rendition of the "i love technology" song from "napoleon dynamite." you will also get teary reading this tribute to love. and, after lots of really yummy mexican food and tres leches wedding cake, and after you ditch your heels (why do you always insist on wearing heels to garden dinners?)







you will decide that maybe weddings aren't so bad after all.