Friday, November 8, 2013

try, try again

the second time i got pregnant it was on purpose. but i would say our reaction was less giddiness and more cautious optimism. we didn't tell anyone and we hardly talked about it even between the two of us. wait and see. that's really all we said. i didn't think i could bear another miscarriage and thinking about it would make me break down, so i tried to just put the whole thing out of my mind until we could be more sure.

wait and see.

the first time i heard that little baby's heartbeat i started to cry i was so happy and relieved. i could have listened to that sound all day. even after i had seen the baby on an ultrasound, even after i could feel her  kick and hiccup and move all around, even after we passed that magical point where she could be born and survive and there really wasn't anything to be worried about anymore (not that that stopped me), i lived to hear that heartbeat. it reassured me more than anything else. and every time we listened the doctor would say, it sounds perfect. clear and strong.

when my baby is old enough to understand these kinds of things, that is the first thing i will tell her.

you have a strong heart.