defrauded, bonus edition

it gives me great pleasure, and relief, to announce that the identity theft drama has come to an (apparent) end. my new debit card arrived and is working beautifully (probably too beautifully) and my long-awaited credit report came back clean as a whistle. (how clean is a whistle, anyway?) and so, i am sleeping again at night. these are all good things.

a few more mystery packages did sneak through to uncle bob's though, but now that i know they don't spell my financial doom, i can better enjoy them for the unintended hilarity they are. and so, as a little treat for all of us, here are some experts from a most intriguing letter i received last week.

it begins like this:

"frances, please forgive us, but we have just taken a closer look at your profile. it turns out you're more special than any of us imagined! did you know that you possess some very rare, hidden traits? in fact, there is a famous person (someone you would instantly recognize, he's on tv every night) who possesses these same special, incredibly rare traits. it turns out that people who possess these same rare and often hidden traits that you do are some of the most famous and successful people on this planet! frances, you are indeed blessed! i know those around you don't know this yet, but they will! down deep, you sense it, too. right? i'm so excited for you!"

a few thoughts.

1. it seems like a slightly misguided marketing ploy to imply that the people around me are so doltish as to not recognize my innate gifts and brilliance. that would be impossible. clearly. and offending people, or their friends and family, is not the way to get them to hop on your bandwagon.
2. why the specification of this planet? are there other planets on which my special and rare abilities are useless?
3. i can only hope that this alleged tv personality with whom i share so much is ryan seacrest. or maybe regis. he can be so funny sometimes.

the letter goes on to explain that there is a secret association of the wealthiest, smartest and most powerful people in the world who want to share their book of secrets with me, for free! can you believe it?

yeah, neither can i.

not that this doesn't sound tempting:

"after i received my package of inside secrets," the mystery author of the letter says, "i won a lot when i gambled! it was unbelievable! something else remarkable happened. with these secrets i actually knew what other people were thinking, as if i was reading their minds."

believe it yet?

the author also felt younger! healthier! more beautiful! and lost 30 pounds overnight! even her skin seemed to "rejuvenate into the glow of a teenager!" her husband is a "rich man-on-the-hill" and she is his trophy! and she loves it! (hillary clinton, is that you?)

also, with the association's big book of (free!) secrets, i can read the future. which should come in handy because i am about to enter "cycle two." what's that you ask? well, frankly, i am surprised you don't know. but, i'll tell you. it's only the most important of the seven fundamental cycles in life because "it's the cycle of breaking bondage, of discovering and being discovered."

at about this point i teared up with laugh-crying, but i did manage to take in this final paragraph:

"frances, if you're like i was before, you're probably experiencing some uneasiness, restlessness, a dissatisfaction with the world. is major success, an exciting and satisfying relationship, and real wealth truly unattainable? you long for it, i know. i always did. but if you cannot seem to achieve it, i am telling you, frances, instead of letting go of that desire, take a new direction. answer this calling today."

i'm not going to lie. i sort of want to do it. and not just for the glowing teenage skin, either. i mean, seriously, if this alleged book of secrets is even half as funny as this letter it would be worth it. well, almost worth it. but, actually, probably not worth it at all. so, sorry association. you'll have to get by without me. for now, anyway.