defrauded, part 2

i headed up to uncle bob's last night to do some laundry (no clean underwear, remember?) and when i walked in the door there were two packages waiting for me. it was really exciting for about twopointfiveseconds until i recognized the company name on the side of one of the boxes as the same company name that had appeared so unwelcome on my bank statement, attached to charges i did not make.

massive panic (my specialty) set in as it dawned on me that the mystery perp has not only my (now-cancelled) card number, but my name and my address, though thankfully it was an old address where i haven't lived for a year now. it was creepy and weird and i didn't like it at all.

first i called home. panic. then i called the bank. again. panic. i explained my situation. i wanted to cry. and panic. the operator on the other end encouraged me to "keep your wits."

her: "you have to be smarter than them. always thinking one step ahead."
me: "i just don't understand how this could have happened!" (panic!)
her: "oh, honey, if i told you all the ways people can get your information..."

she was a lovely lady, but that was a most unhelpful thing to say.

more panic.

the cruel irony is, i am freakishly paranoid about this kind of thing. i almost never order things online. i tear all my receipts into teeny, tiny, miniscule pieces and throw them away in separate garbage cans. not a living soul knows my p.i.n. (and, by the way, i hate it when people say "p.i.n. number." what do they think the 'n' stands for?)

so, anyway, that i find myself in this situation seems supremely unfair, like getting a cavity when you don't eat sugar, or getting pregnant when you're on birth control. or something. the point i am trying to make is: not fair! not fair! not fair! panic! panic! panic!

but, despite her one anxiety-inducing misstep, last night's operator really was calm and helpful and i felt a lot better once i hung up the phone. my card has been cancelled and a new one is on the way. an identity theft protection officer is on the case. and my credit report should be back in a few days, hopefully clean with no weird loans or accounts taken out in my name. it will all be over soon.

and, in the meantime, i have the "double your dating cd series" to keep me occupied (thanks perp!). you might not know this, but it is the most important educational program on the planet earth, money-back-guaranteed to drastically increase your success with... women.