Monday, October 24, 2011

half yearly

yesterday marked six months since briana died.

it feels like a lifetime.

i don't think about it all the time, like i thought i might. but i also never forget about it either. especially not when i really need to call her up and ask her something.

i miss her terribly.

sometimes i cry when i think about her or talk about her. and sometimes i don't.

i find that i am a much more nervous driver. it seems equally preposterous and reasonable that that is one thing that has stuck with me more than almost any other.

i am not sad. or rather, i should say that i am not sad for her. sometimes i feel pretty sad for me, though.

a day or two after briana died my then future father-in-law called and he told me this. he said that he really believed that when faith and love-filled people like briana die, whatever the circumstances are, when they get to the other side they are not sad or disappointed. they don't feel robbed or cheated, even though those of us left on earth might. instead, they see things wholly and clearly and they understand that the arc of their life is complete.

i have come to feel that this is probably true. and i would add that then they get the work on the other side. if i have felt anything over these past few (can it really only be six? so many and yet so few) months, it is that bri is busier than ever. and i think that if i could talk to her again, she would tell me not to worry about her and to get busy, too.

the thing is, i never do worry about her. i worry about me, about all of us left here. but i suspect she would tell me to knock that off as well. there is, after all, plenty of goodness and work to go around, no matter where you are.

and so, to mark the occasion, i made a batch of lemon bars (her favorite) and thought about how much i love her and all the things we'll have to talk about when i see her again.

on an unrelated note, except that it also happened yesterday, AWD and i made homemade corn dogs and oven fries for dinner last night and it was the most delicious thing. we high-fived about it, we were so proud of ourselves.

i can't decide if briana would have thought homemade corn dogs were a little bit gross or a little bit awesome. but that's OK. i'll just have to ask her about it later, i guess.


Evan and Holly said...

You know that she would think it was gross, but she'd say it very delicately. Not that they were homemade, she'd applaud you over just eating any old processed ones. But that it was a hot dog, that would gross her out, unless you sprang for organic hot dogs--or whatever the equivalent is for hot dogs :) I miss you Frances.

Popster said...

I think it is important to celebrate lives well lived. A few years ago, we lost a riding buddy, Steve "The Roadrunner" Jensen. Now, at the end of every group trip, we eat fish and chips and toast Steve. He would want it that way.